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It was a busy holiday weekend inside Defamer's Special Investigations Bureau for Starlet Genetics, where a bombshell tip revealed the long-suspected truth about the young actress's sketchy provenance. No — not half-Jewish / half-Protestant, and not Upper East Side post-deb. In short, as her close friend "Sergei Galabekian" tells us, the Scarlett Johansson you know... is a clone.

That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not damn sexy), most important - CHRISTIAN young lady!

A "not damn sexy" Christian! Ha! We knew it. But that's not the half of it — hit the jump for additional, [sic]-heavy CloneGate revelations.

I'll tell you guys more, that clones (it's not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff 100% controlling all their clones spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Think wise..

Apparently those clones is very actively shown on your website . This is just a warning, because original person is not happy about those images and video, rumors and etc., in that way it would be really nice if you try slow down that ''actress'' career development on your website, original Scarlett's parents will really appreciated that. Please do that, do not wait until FBI agent give you a call with questions. Please remember that original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created, it all need to be return back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Original Scarlett is not engage!

Whew! Alanis Morrisette will be so relieved. Meanwhile, forgive the publishing delays here as we scrub CloneJo from the Defamer archives and get back to the business of covering the original versions of your favorite celebrities.