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Since put-upon, soon-to-retire film critic David Ansen officially has nothing to lose by prattling on at length over at Newsweek, expect a lot more pieces like the one in the magazine's current issue. To wit: Hollywood movies have lousy endings! And: Here, let me give them all away!

Now that the summer season is (almost) here, along with the usual collection of sequels, comedies, converted TV shows and special-effects derbies, we can expect a deluge of happy endings—you don't build franchises on bleak conclusions. The very notion of a franchise film, however, almost guarantees that its ending be less than fully satisfying. If it were, why would we want to come back for more? ...

Will any of these upbeat finales, like the much-anticipated return of Indiana Jones, fill us with real joy—the way that rousing rock-and-roll finale of the original "Shrek" left us with a big childlike grin on our faces? Constructing these tentpole extravaganzas, the studios often think that throwing millions of dollars of special effects in our faces is a reasonable substitute for a dramatically coherent ending, as if the sheer noise and spectacle will convince us we're having a thumping good time.

Naturally, Ansen can't even wank himself to a decent climax; first come the spoilers, from About Schmidt to Witness For The Prosecution to Carrie to Before Sunset and more — none especially guarded mass-culture secrets, but all yielding some pop for anyone who hasn't seen them. Then come the loose ends: Two of last year's most celebrated films, No Country For Old Men (Best Picture!) and There Will Be Blood (Best Picture runner-up!), were debated, dissected and embraced precisely because of the ambiguity of their endings. Neither receive any mention here.

Ansen also omits Star Wars, which kicked off the most profitable franchise in cinema history with a perfectly self-contained two-hour film — then followed it with a grim sequel featuring a cliffhanger still waiting to be outdone. Our own theory is that Ansen planned his own two-part series, which will conclude in next week's issue with a grand finale announcing... Oh, why spoil it? We've been waiting forever to see how Ansen will explain his last 30 years.