Meet The Mills: Analyzing The '90210' Spinoff Breakdowns
Stumbling, bastard network The CW is reaching back for inspiration—all the way back to teen drama prehistory, that magical moment when single-celled organisms of privilege sprouted legs, slithered onto the Malibu shore, and eventually stood upright to become the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. There they flourished, living by the harsh natural law of survival of the tannest, and shopping and fucking the prime years of their lives away, with only the occasional rape and meth addiction to slow down the evolutionary process. Would lighting strike twice? That certainly is what The CW is hoping with its 90210 spinoff series. Variety has gotten their hands on the casting breakdown for a show centering around "the Mills family," who relocate from St. Louis to the titular postal service area. The primary players:
· Tabitha Mills: "A 60-something actress/alchoholic who was a major star in the 1970s and had been linked to everyone from Warren Beatty to Jack Nicholson." Notes: Everyone from Warren Beatty to Jack Nicholson? That's sort of the disco-era starlet-banging equivalent of saying "she's danced to everything from 'Le Freak' to 'Good Times.'" Still, that her back story leaves the door cracked open for even a passing cameo by Bob Evans strikes us as nothing but a good sign. Obvious inspiration: Candy Spelling, that slut! Casting suggestion: Victoria Principal.
· Harrison "Harry" Mills: Tabitha's son, "a 1980s graduate of Beverly Hills High, decides to move back home to the 90210 after years in St. Louis." Notes: Don't for a moment think the adults of this version will be the watered-down and ineffectual characters of the original, shuffled off to the sidelines to deliver platitude-ridden dialogue as meaningless as the slide-trombone grownup-speak of Charlie Brown cartoons. Sandy Cohen has changed the cool-parent character paradigm forever. Obvious inspiration: Jim Walsh. Casting suggestion: Scott Baio!
· Celia Mills: Harry's wife, "an Olympic athlete who's looking forward to living in Cali, and ends up working as a personal trainer." Notes: MILF alert. Obvious inspiration: Demi Moore. Casting suggestion: Carla Gugino.
· Annie Mills: Their 16-year-old daughter, "an emo/theater kid who's desperate to fit in with the cool crowd." Notes: All references to Drama Club will be excised from the final pilot script, replaced with something far more quirkily cool, like knowledge of the insect universe or ability to play Klezmer accordian. Obvious inspiration: Juno minus the need to be loved. Casting suggestion: Jamie Lynn Spears.
· Dylan Mills: Annie's adopted 16-year-old brother "a supersmart bad boy who has lingering social and behavioral issues — and not an ounce of nerdiness in him...producers are open to actors of all ethnicities for the Dixon role." Notes: A calculated stab at dewhitenening the '210 template throws the ethnicity of the show's pivotal bad boy—the hyperhormonal and unapologetically recalcitrant spike to which the rest of the series is tethered—up in the air. Obvious inspiration: Dylan McKay, 50 Cent. Casting suggestion: Bow Wow.
