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"Mark Harwell knew he was on to a good idea when he brought the Los Angeles Lightning, an International Basketball League Team, to the hoops-crazy City of Angeles." That's the first sentence of a press release that, if Mark Harwell has more sense than his decision to buy an International Basketball League Team would indicate, will prompt him to say, "God, I need to fire this fucking flack."

It is, without exaggeration, the most atrocious press release we have seen in at least a few days. Let's examine its errors, shall we? They start out with the very top line:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Thursday, March 19, 2008

That would be Wednesday, March 19. Just quibbling here! Next is the awesome old-timey flame animation on the slogan, "LIGHTNING! HOOPLA! ACTION!" A mark of quality. So what was Mr. Harwell's strategy in buying this off-brand team?


The entertainment industry producer and entrepreneur understood that the passion inspired by NBA teams like the Clippers and the Lakers could easily support a team with games that are active, high-energy, and full of athletic drama.

Yes, because rather than go see, you know, Kobe Bryant, the citizens of the "City of Angeles" can turn to this scrap heap of castoffs and second-rate schoolyard players for their dose of athletic drama. Smart! Next, inexplicably, is this:

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Wise decision to include a photo of Hollywood Casting Director Pixie Monroe in your press release—otherwise people might not take you seriously.

The release goes on to say the team needs a "vivacious girl" to be "Miss L.A. Lightning," doubtless one of the most sought after positions among washed-up Laker Girls. It concludes:

And as for Harwell, he's hoping Lightning will strike all season long.

Dude: You'll be lucky to escape this cut-rate venture with the shirt on your back. Step one in preparation for your inevitable bankruptcy: Fire your flack.

[UPDATE: The flack in question, Juliette Lewis of It Girl Public Relations, emails us to say that she did not write this particular press release; although Lewis is the PR rep for the team, and listed on the release, she says that this one originated with Pixie Monroe of Monroe Casting. Noted!]