Portly vulgarian Kevin Smith, whose upcoming Zack and Miri Make a Porno has already been sneakily marketed to internet users through the magic of bandwagon-jumping viral videos featuring stars we love from the work of more talented auteurs of everlasting adolescence, is making sure we all still remember who he is but forget why we once tolerated him. In an interview with British ladmag FHM, Smith insisted that tiny cult messiah Tom Cruise would be President if it weren't for the "that couch-jumping shit" (conveniently leaving out that said calisthenics were but the prelude to a grander PR meltdown). Smith continues slobbering over America's formerly most bankable star-gone-mad:

"When Tom's talking to you, he's never looking over your shoulder to see if anyone more important is in the room." It's that thousand-mile Scientology Stare! (You might remember it from your friend Jason Lee.) Smith, whose recent films have repeatedly hammered his painfully obvious "golden calf" and graven idol symbolism, is a devout Catholic, just like Cruise wives Mimi Rogers and Katie Holmes were before they became zombie-eyed Hubbard brides. [PageSix.com]