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Answer: We don't know! Like the rest of you, we've read that Brit Brit was "under the influence of an unknown substance" when the EMTs arrived at her supersized double-wide last eve (they must've convinced her that the van with the flashing lights in her driveway was really a hydrogen-powered shuttlebus to Les Deux). And, just like the rest of you, we're wildly curious to find out more deets about the cornocopia of pharms that were racing through her bloodstream. Our hasty diagnosis, after the jump.

WAS IT ACETAMINOPHEN? We know for a fact that Britney has two little headaches running around all day, so no doubt she probably pops a Tylenol now and then. Howevs, side effects don't normally include an overwhelming desire to prevent bodyguards from taking back custody of your children. We're going with NO.

WAS IT POT? Anyone who's seen Britney knows her fingers are oft-laced with Cheedle [Ed. Note - Rich Hall, where art thou?]. And, obvs, we've all seen this video. But we think that her grass-smoking days stopped when K. Fed exited stage left. Hence, we're going with NO.

WAS IT ECSTASY? Hmmm, she was spotted smiling in the ambulance. And E — do the kids still call it that? — does make you smile a lot. But then again, there were no reports of lollipops spilling out of her pockets or any odd requests for the ambulance driver to play some Oakenfold. We're going with NO.

WAS IT COCAINE? According to PageSix.com, she locked herself in her bathroom when authorities arrived. What could she have been doing in there? From our experiences dealing with people with the sniffles, they do go to the bathroom a lot. But when they come out, they don't go "completely psycho", they just talk a lot faster. So we're gonna go with NO to blow.

WAS SHE SOBER? If you are prone to read the bargain basement glossies like Life & Style, you might believe she wasn't on anything at all. Call us crazy, but we're also going with NO on that one.