Every once in a while, a Communications Ensign from the bridge of the Gawker Media mothership requests that we briefly pause to explain some new and exciting features they've added to this Web Log for your enjoyment, and because we've learned that disobedience of these directives invariably leads to the sting of the lash or the burn of the cupful of acid tossed faceward, we are more than happy to comply. Starting immediately, there are some new whizbang-y doodads available that will help our cherished, tight-knit community of commenters (more on how to become a commenter here) further enmesh themselves in each other's online lives by tracking the activity of their "friends" and "followers." Sound neat-o? It is! Let's learn more:

First, log in using your comment ID and password in the boxes at the top of the page. If you don't have an ID already, click the "new user" to sign up. (Again, here's the info on how you get approved when you sign up as a new user without an invitation.) Once you're logged in, click on your comment ID displayed at the top of the page where it says "welcome." This leads to your commenting home page, and along with updating your picture (tiny Grazerheads!) and screen name (in-jokes and panda references!) here, you can see all your comments, clipped posts and view your current friends and followers.

But what are these "friends and followers" you've heard so much about in the preceding two paragraphs? The next time you see a comment that catches your fancy with its humor or insight into the Hollywood condition, click the + button next to it and you'll have made a new commenting "friend." This also turns you into a "follower," a member of that person's burgeoning cult of personality. (Note: Suicide pacts are strictly forbidden—refuse all invitations to lay down your life fighting the ATF or to catch a ride on a passing comet.)

After you have "friended" someone, links to their latest comments will begin appearing on the front page of the site mixed in between the regular posts. This gives you the ability to scan the page as always, while at the same time allowing you to simultaneously "follow" your new pals and find out what they are talking about. You'll be notified of any comments your friends make across all Gawker Media blogs.

Should you require a roster of your "followers," simply return to your profile page. There, you can also de-friend someone who displeases you or has become too clingy by clicking the X button next to their commenter name. If you want to see all of a particular person's comments in one place, click on their commenter name — you can even write a personal message on their profile page (it's just like the MySpaces and the Facebooks!), scribblings which may or may not later be used against you in stalking-related litigation.

If you encounter any problems with these new features (but we can't possibly envision that happening!), please let us know in the comments below or by sending an e-mail to tips[AT]defamer.com (be sure to note your OS and browser type). Welcome to the brave, new world of friendtastic Defamer comments!