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Have you ever wanted to tap into the entrepreneurial spirit that generates multibillion-dollar valuations? Do you dream of becoming a Silicon Valley icon? Crave the street cred that lets you get away with wearing Adidas Adissage sandals to formal events, to nicely complement your suit? Well, sirs and madams, you can't. But wouldn't it be awesome if you could pretend to do all that while drinking sugar water laced with caffeine? Telephony company Jajah already has its own energy drink — as do celebrities as shameless as Steven Segal. Obviously there's a market that Web entrepreneurs aren't capitalizing on — and it's too bad for them we're beating them to it.

Facefuel — Monetize Your Thirst!!! Sipping a beverage without any returns? Grab hold of a Facefuel, the only way to add a Super Poke to your day. It's guaranteed to blur the line between your friends and enemies, and prep you for a day's worth of negotiations with heavy hitters like Microsoft, Google, and Yahoo. Mark Zuckerberg's secret formula — which for you busybodies is markedly different from ConnectU's recipe — boils down all those worthless applications into liquid hope, seasons them with remnant banner impressions, adds a few drops of Zuckerberg sandal sweat, and stirs in nine fragments of source code to create a refreshing beverage that is more than 100 percent compatible with the API of your thirst. With this kind of ecosystem, how can you afford not to Monetize Your Thirst?