Author Dan Lyons saw our excerpts from Options, his fictional novel as Fake Steve Jobs, and alerted his publisher. A nice young man from Sub Rights (whatever that is) rang my cellphone and, after checking out our posts, had one word: "Awesome." After the jump, a bonus three-fer.

Everywhere I go people recognize me, and they get all weird around me, and you know what? I love it. I never get tired of it. If there's one thing I can't stand it's retards like Britney Spears who say they wish they weren't famous. Come on. If you really feel that way, then give away all your money, turn your wigger spawn over to Child Protective Services, and move your cottage cheesy ass to Tibet. What's that? Yeah. That's what I thought. So shut up.

We make our own special chips, our own special software. We put the chips and software into the physical design and I do some more non-thinking meditation. Unfortunately it often occurs that the software is amazing but it doesn't feel right in this physical package, and so we have to go back and redesign the phone all over again. Then there's the color issue. You can't imagine how many shades of black there are. And white.

These idiots went after dozens of companies in Silicon Valley. They concocted a fairy tale about greedy executives lining their pockets and cheating investors, and of course the nitwits in the press bought the whole story and ran with it, because let me tell you something, if there's any group of people in the world who are suckers for a story about evil rich people, it's the filthy hacks in the media. These spiteful, hateful, small-dicked losers spend their entire lives in a constant state of jealousy and resentment. Here's their job description: Interview people who are richer, more successful, and more interesting than you are.

Lyons rarely lets up for the next 245 pages. Every single Bay Area Borders has sold out its advance stack, but you can buy the book online.