Disclaimer: Someone could theoretically mashup the sex offender registry, Google Maps, and Club Penguin. And that, I'll grant, would be a worse social network than the ones below.

Quechup
Whoamg! There's like this social site that you can do everything on! "You can use Quechup to meet new people, catch up with old friends, maintain a blog, share videos & photos, chat with other members, play games, and more. It's no wonder Quechup is fast becoming 'The Social Networking site to be on'."

I think I heard of this! Only last time it had some boring name like "the book." But this one is named after a mild condiment so I am all fired up! Gawd.

As soon as I signed up, Quechup asked me to look through all my e-mail contacts. I didn't want to, but there was no "skip" option. So I put in the wrong password for my Gmail account, which promptly broke Quechup. Now I'm blocked out of the username I tried to sign up with (Bubbalub) and fuck you Quechup.

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Quechup doesn't cut the mustard is stuck in the bottle sucks.

mtvU
I won't knock mtvU's music stuff, which is at least more music-related than MTV itself. But it was cute to read the breathless intro to the site's new "five groundbreaking online applications." Here, I'll just copy it for you.

Rap Happy, a new online and mobile-phone-based hip hop community that enables members to easily record, collaborate on, search and listen to freestyle or written raps, without any need for software or file uploading.

Osiris, a first-of-its-kind MP3 visualizer using song lyrics to
dynamically generate music videos, using images pulled from Flickr and
a user's own hard disk. This free application gives users a whole new
way to enjoy their music, using each song's lyrical narrative to tell
a visual story. Casablanca, a free online and mobile-phone-based
ice-breaker party game combines elements of social networking,
espionage and alternative-reality gaming.

Selectricity, an online communal ranking technology where anyone can
set up a Selectricity question in under 30 seconds and tap their
friends to help settle daily dilemmas such as, "what bar does
everybody most want to go to?" and, "who are the best indie rock bands
out right now?"

How Do I Say This? an interactive Web-based advice wiki, where users
help script and create video messages for people with problems that
have left them at a loss for words. A new topic is selected every
month and members weigh in with advice and suggestions, in the form of
user-generated videos, illustrations, photos, prose, poetry and
cartoons. The feedback accumulates and inspires a final video, and can
then be sent to friends from the site (anonymously or not).

I...yeah.

Wixi
The bloggers at TechCrunch are all excited that this site sent TechCrunch readers 5000 "exclusive" invites.

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Who wants a trash bin on their profile page?

In theory, the site sounds fantastic — a social network that lets users share all kinds of media in a desktop-like environment. But I remember the last time I tried a network like that. It was Wallop, a Microsoft spinoff that offered the same sweet environment in 2006.

But by packing all this capability and slick interface into a web page, Wallop created something slow and barely navigable, which is an easy way to drive away users. Picture how quickly Google works. Now picture the opposite. Now cover that in melted licorice. That's Wallop, except less fragrant.

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Like a booth babe, pretty but slow.

Nick Douglas writes at Valleywag, Too Much Nick, and Look Shiny. Don't add him on Facebook, you presumptuous cocks.