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With celebrity glossies constantly one-upping each other by trumpeting ever more shocking and outrageous tales of drunken lesbianism and child tooth-whitening abuse on their covers, leave it to supermarket literature stalwart the Globe to trump them all: By simply taking the public's morbid fascination with celebrity misfortune to its natural conclusion, their current issue features a giant, death-clock lottery for some of the world's most recognizable faces.

And so what if the methodology for "Who'll Die First?" relies on the fuzzy science of having "famed psychologist" Dr. Lillian Glass study their "lifestyles?" One glance at at a blue-lipped, unconscious Lindsay Lohan or Barbra Streisand's quickly expanding neck-wattle are all the clues a trained professional needs to accurately assess one's expiration-date window.