Rod Townsend records the gays in and around their natural environment of Fire Island and reports back. Wanna hear something shocking? Summer's almost over already. OMG, and so are those hideous pants you're wearing!

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES HARBOR
The Saturday noon ferry has arrived to the harbor and streaming onto the dock are new arrivals. DAYTRIPPERS arrive with umbrellas, coolers, and backpacks, often with glimpses of swimwear visible under low-waisted cargo shorts. RESIDENTS and HOUSEGUESTS bring assorted luggage and bags from Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Standing in the harbor is an assortment of GAYS, a few of whom wait to board, but most of whom await new arrivals.

LILLYGAY stands wearing a white oversized vee-neck teashirt and Lilly Pulitzer "Crabby Pants" swim trunks. With him is ETROGAY wearing a pink tank top and Etro striped trunks. Both point and wave to HOUSEGUEST who approaches them, drops a Barneys shopping bag filled with food and a canvas Jack Spade coal bag, and joins in a group hug.

HOUSEGUEST Oh, hi. Hi! I like that shirt on you. I like that color. It works well with your dark hair.

LILLYGAY
How are you?

HOUSEGUEST
Near perfect. How've you been, sweetie?

ETROGAY
Well, I just saw you yesterday.

HOUSEGUEST
Oh, I know. I mean how was last night?

ETROGAY
Last night? We went over to Coconut Grove. Underwear party.

HOUSEGUEST
Coconut Grove?

ETROGAY
Yeah. Kind of a hike, but it was a nice walk on the beach back. It was super dark out.

HOUSEGUEST
You mean Cherry Grove.

ETROGAY
Oh. Why do I always call it Coconut Grove?

LILLYGAY
Scary Grove.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN approaches the three and points to the ferry.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN Excuse me? Is this the ferry, right here?

LILLYGAY
Don't you remember coming in on it? Yes, yes. Get right on.

OTHERGUEST passes by with OTHERRESIDENT.

OTHERGUEST I would have made the eleven o'clock, but I had a long night.

OTHERRESIDENT
With Tommy and Mikey?

OTHERGUEST
No, no. I had bought a bunch of "stuff" for the weekend, but let's just say I don't have any more.


LILLYGAY and ETROGAY have been joined by four FORTIESGAYS wearing a variety of print board shorts and swim trunks and shirtless for a quick bout of hugs and hellos. "Brunch," "pantry," and "blueberries" can be overheard. HOUSEGUEST Are those all your friends? I didn't know you had older friends.

LILLYGAY
(Points to the giant looming Pavilion nightclub.) Thursday night we were in the bathroom over at that place.

ETROGAY
At High Tea.

LILLYGAY
Yeah, whatever. And I was like, "We need dinner." And these two old guys were in there and said, "We have dinner. It's a catered meal!"

HOUSEGUEST
You left with them?

LILLYGAY
Turns out it's some kind of birthday party. There was all kinds of port wine and asparagus and rice pilaf. And everybody there was really wasted. It was great.

HOUSEGUEST
Really?

LILLYGAY
It was so upscale.

HOUSEGUEST
Really.

ETROGAY
The guys were super-friendly.

HOUSEGUEST
Really. I want to meet them.

LILLYGAY
Oh, God. I don't even remember their names. Is anyone else coming out?

ETROGAY
I don't know if Snaps is coming or not. But I'm starving. I haven't eaten since last night.

LILLYGAY
Liar!

ETROGAY
What?

LILLYGAY
Liar! I saw you eat breakfast.

ETROGAY
Well, I did eat the rest of that pumpkin cake. That was nothing.

LILLYGAY
Liar, liar! It was two pieces! I don't know how you do it.

HOUSEGUEST
I brought lots of food, but nothing brunchy. I'm starving.

LILLYGAY
Well maybe you and Chubz here can wait for those birthday boys but I need to catch some rays. I've got PowerBars back at the house.

As the three walk away from the harbor, BIOLOGICALWOMAN is running toward the now departing boat, an iced coffee sweating in her hand.