Moby's Inconvenient Truth
The date: June 24th
The place: Counter, 105 1st Avenue
The time: 12 p.m.
Sighted: "Ubiquitous imp Moby was having brunch at veggie-friendly bistro Counter. He sat in the back corner wearing a lime green t-shirt and upon finishing his meal, walked out wearing silly looking aviator shades with a fat red plastic rim."
Moby is a man divided. And by divided, I mean "is a massive hypocrite." By day, Moby dines at veggie bistros and wears sunglasses purchased on St. Marks, but at night—while rainforests are being destroyed and glaciers are melting—he sleeps peacefully curled up under his bear-skin blanket beneath the whirring sound of the central air conditioning that cools his modest 1,500 square foot apartment.
They say Moby originally moved uptown because of his disgust for the gentrification of downtown, with its proliferation of Calypso stores and Starbucks. In an effort to escape the LES bourgeois citadel, Moby moved to a $4.5 million apartment in the El Dorado on the UWS, where he could shop with the poor at Zabar's and slum it for brunch at Sarabeth's. Perhaps realizing the irony of his choices and the inconvenient truth of his energy bill, Moby, "racked with class guilt," then put his 3-story apartment on the market for a paltry $7.5 million, in an effort to reunite with the masses and prove that he is indeed... whatever it is that he wants to be. Moby's feast at Counter was the last horseman of the Apocalypse—he's back, and downtown is now officially as played out as, well, Moby's Play.
Unfortunately, Moby is not content to simply ruin several Manhattan neighborhoods. (Question: Why has he never taken to Brooklyn?) He is also in the business of ruining lives. Instead of saving the environment at Live Earth—like Ludacris who sang "Pimpin' All Over"—Moby was at home in his solar powered kitchen complaining about the concession stand options. Instead of supporting our glorious war in Iraq, Moby is inciting murderous rage by serving shitty granola at his restaurant, Teany. And let us never forget how he completely RUINED Z100 for an entire summer when they were forced to play his Muppets Casio creation, "South Side," ad nauseam.
And here he is now, returning to the Lower East Side. Please do not issue him a check for $7.5 million. Boycott the undersized and overpriced crumpets at Teany. Let us return Moby to his rightful place: not on the UWS, not in the LES, but in the Keebler tree, where he will be free to bake delicious rainbow chip cookies all day long and be of some use to society.
