Agency ClosureWatch: CAA Taking The Day Off
Our sources have exclusively! revealed (because, quite frankly, who else would possibly give a shit about such information besides us?) that the overlords at evil agenting monolith CAA have given their underlings the day off tomorrow. Of course, even this most innocuous of news makes us anxious, as a darkened Death Star is even more terrifying than one teeming with the usual levels of obviously nefarious activity.
We estimate that there is at worst a fifty-percent chance that the announcement of this holiday is intended to lull rival vacationing agencies into letting their defenses down, allowing Creative Artists drones an opportunity to ransack their temporarily vacant offices without resistance. By the time everyone returns to work on Monday, CAA will have used the intelligence gathered during their looting spree to poach the entirety of their competitors' client rosters, a total victory they will celebrate by taking out a full-page ad in Variety gloating that they now rep every single actor, director, and writer in town.
UPDATE: We're told that ICM is not falling for CAA's clever ruse and refusing to close down. Nicely played. Your uncomfortable proximity to the Death Star makes you too tempting a target to leave your headquarters unstaffed, even on a day when virtually no one else in Hollywood will be working.
UPDATE 2: Now we're hearing that ICM has reversed course and will be closed tomorrow. All is lost.