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Phalanxes of assistants willing to kill or die for the satiation of their employer's iPhone lust have already marched on our city's Apple stores, hoping that a triumphant return to the office with the shiny treasure will earn them a slightly less intense late-afternoon lashing. A Defamer operative posted at the Beverly Center has just submitted our first report from the battlefront, offering us the vicarious thrill of a glimpse into the shadowy and dangerous world of industry line-waiters:

We've entered the mall, just steps away from technological bliss and peer envy. We hold our golden tickets close to our bodies, fearful of falling asleep and being robbed.

Oddly, what guarantees ownership of the insanely desired and highly advanced apparatus is a beverly center buckslip written in chinese. Fascinating. Perhaps the secret language of the binary world.

We've even been visited by the wonderful people from Chipotle. They are offering one free burrito upon presenting your iphone receipt. 12 hours of waiting and a $600 phone and you too can burry your face in a free burrito. Nothing like a bargain burrito. Thank you Chipotle.

The Apple store has officially closed. They've taped up their windows and began cheering wildly inside. I imagine that when they open their doors I'll be entering one of the pages from "Where the Wild Things Are."

It's all so secretive. I wonder if they will encourage us to do keg stands and beer bongs in order to become one of them.

iHaze me Apple people. I just want to belong.

x

By the time you read this, CAA's assistants will already be counterfeiting and attempting to establish a black market for those coveted, Chinese-encoded "golden tickets," hoping to capitalize on the gullibility of others. But be forewarned: There's a strictly enforced two iPhone per-person limit, no matter what the fast-talking guy gnawing on a baby leg tries to tell you about the bulk discount he's exclusively offering you.