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NICK DOUGLAS — In the modern world of media saturation, if you do anything of interest or impact, or if you even have an opinion, you'll have to talk to a journalist some time soon. There's already a great guide on how to talk to the press; but not all reporters are alike. I've noticed six types, each of which require certain tactics.

Cub Reporter
 Being a cub reporter isn't just a career phase; it's a lifestyle. The cub could be a new Journal hire or a long-time writer for the San Francisco Chronicle. Either way, they'll love you. They'll buy your lines about how you're growing your organic community using user-generated content that facilitates open discussion. They've got better gag-reflex suppression than a sword swallower, those cubs. They'll interview you in the middle of a party. They'll print all the silly lines you spoke in your unchecked wine-facilitated giddiness. They are without malice; but their readers aren't. So stay sober and don't make them your friends, or it'll all end in tears and confusion like a prom-night car ride.


Brand Name
 It's exciting to talk to a real pro like the Wall Street Journal's Walt Mossberg. For any brand-name reporter, use your best talking points but go easy on the bull. (A stupid line looks much stupider as a New York Times pull-quote.) On the upside, there's a higher chance they'll call back to factcheck.

Remember to be respectful. Scandals aren't made from fights with small-time bloggers, but get nasty with the Times's John Markoff and he may end up writing a book about it.


Femme Fatale
 The gorgeous young (but not too young) reporter asks for an interview. You want to do it over cocktails. You're doomed.

Never do an interview with the femme fatale, no matter how charming she is, and how charming she seems to think you are. She doesn't. Good femmes fatale get juicy information from guys who are trying to impress them. (But not vice versa; blame psychology, sexism, or supply and demand.)

Not that you're listening to my warning; you'll fall for her anyway, you'll get burned, and you'll crawl back for more.


Speaker for the Dumb
 "This is a stupid question, but bear with my demographic." I heard that in a press conference this week, followed by a question so basic ("What makes Facebook different from Yahoo?") that Facebook's founder didn't know how to answer.

It's easy to get a message across to a specialized audience, but a really worthy idea should be explainable to the public. This is a test of how fundamentally simple you can make your message, and it's actually great practice for stripping away the insider jargon you've probably wallowed in. The average USA Today writer is quite intelligent; they know that the smartest person in the room is the one willing to ask the dumbest questions. In a conversation with such a writer, if something feels stupid, it's probably you.


Salaryman
 Or woman, naturally; but the male-specific Japanese term for the tired 9-to-5 worker perfectly describes the average reporter. Sure, maybe in J-school they had a mission and wanted to speak truth to power, whatever that means. But now they just want the story before that bastard from Wired gets it, so they can pay the bills for one more week.

Of course, that makes them your best bet for a fair story and not too many difficult questions. The salaryman wants to do a good job, but at the end of the day they'd rather meet a deadline than use the Socratic method to expose you for the fraud you are. So feed them names of other sources, supply clips of your work, find a good headshot of yourself, and answer their calls on time; treating reporters right is about making their jobs easier.


Blogger
 Oh god, everything could go wrong. The blogger probably has less experience, more unearned arrogance ("I have pageviews in the triple digits!"), and half the resources to properly research your story. They're more likely to have an agenda, and it's more likely to be wrong. (For instance, Valleywag doesn't care about your new press release except using it to mock all your preconceptions about the world.)

Bloggers are great at playing gotcha. On the upside, you can indulge their new-media whims and do interviews by e-mail, where you can more carefully craft your answers than in person or on the phone. But avoid IM unless you're good at pausing before you hit "enter."

Definitely butter them up and milk them for some of their own secrets; bloggers are easy to corrupt, and you can control your message if they're more your friend than your objective observer. TechCrunch editor Michael Arrington, for example, likes to brag about his lack of objectivity. Which reminds me: you can always play off a blogger's hatred for a rival. Just do it in person, where they can't record your taunts and send them to their enemies, thus revealing your trick.

Photo by Scott Beale, Laughing Squid. Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag and Look Shiny. His favorite lie is "Off the record."