Rod Townsend (aka our commenter Momo), sometimes receives telephone calls from The Past, a mysterious entity that remembers where things used to be in New York before Starbucks and Whole Foods came to town.

"Hello?"

"How's my nuzzlenads?"

"Honestly? Frustrated. I've been calling my weed guy, but the number's disconnected. My friends are all dry, and I have a column to write."

"Are you at the point of desperation?"

"If you're suggesting I grow my own, don't. Done that before. The smell totally fills the apartment."

"Actually, I was going to suggest you go to Washington Square Park."

"Do I seem like I just got off the Peter Pan bus? That may be the most dangerous thing you've ever suggested."

"Please, bourgeois-balls. Yeah, sure, there's some roughnecks in the park, but for... Hey! Do you know this song, 'Gotta who, gotta have a what?? Gotta watch out, gotta getta roughneck'? I fuckin' love that song! We were at the Monster and..."

"You're changing topics."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, buying a little stash in Washington Square Park isn't nearly as wild as buying coke in Washington Heights. That shit'll nearly get you killed if you don't speak Spanish."

"I'm just saying, Washington Square Park? There are more undercover cops there than anywhere."

"Just stay in the shade, dude. What I usually do is head into the park from the corner of MacDougal and West Fourth."

"Hold up? You mean Washington Square South and Washington Square West?"

"Who talks like that? No. It's MacDougal and West Fourth, pantyboy. You head for the fountain and you'll be approached. As for choosing which guy to go with, I tend to go with their fashion sense. Triple Five Soul gets my respect, especially since I live up the street from their store, but to find a dealer wearing it is a rare find. FUBU or Phat Farm spells cop, and by 'spells cop' I mean shrieks out, 'C - O - fucking - P!' So what you want to look for is a guy in Cross Colors."

"Like, non-matching garments?"

"I don't think I can explain it, but maybe look for tee shirts with slogans like 'Judge 4 Yo Self' or 'Educate 2 Elevate.'"

"Ironic tees? Those died two years ago!"

"Ironic? Anyway! Once you've figured out the guy with whom you want to transact, just head for the shady patch of trees due west of the fountain."

"By the Garibaldi statue?"

"That's east. Opposite of that."

"Gosh. That's a busy area, what with the dog run and all."

"The dog run is south of that."

"Yeah, the run for big dogs is, but the run for small dogs is right where you're describing."

"The what?"

"It's called The Dog Run for Small Dogs."

"Why not call it The Small Dog Run? ...Actually, I'm having brain freeze. Omigod. This is hilarious. There is a dog run that is just for small dogs? Separate from the other run. Ha! Like this area with toy poodles and all the little yappy breeds? What do they do there, put them in circus clothes and teach them to jump through hoops? This shit is priceless."

"I'm not joking. It's a little-dog-positive environment where whey can interact and mingle with dogs of similar stature."

"No, ... please, omigod. Stop. That's so flawed! It's like, totally bitchin'!"

"I'm glad you're getting a kick out of this, but we're off topic again. Remember? My need for weed?"

"I love you, canoodlecock, but you really don't need drugs when you're living in a city that is so obviously high. Little-dog-positive?! We'll speak soon."

Earlier: Past, Over

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