Hiptastic Spandex Bandits
This is our "Music From A Bachelor's Den," the sound of the world's worst-best party pictures rounded up from Ambrel, Last Night's Party, The Cobrasnake and Misshapes and turned up to ten. It's a horror soundtrack from Alex Blagg's stagnant waterbed, and it sounds just like Blue States Lose.
10.The Cobrasnake. Seven 11 Shapes photo #2123: What's up, Kid's Meal? Been awhile. Hey so listen, I've noticed that you've been looking pretty rough as of late, and I just want to tell you, as your friend (we're friends, right?), that you need to turn the party knob down to about a 5. You're what, like 17? Do you have any idea how bad your various vices and addictions are going to be by the time you're legally allowed to drink? Despite what your fabulous friends would have you believe, the DJing probably ain't gonna last forever, and being a 27 year-old unemployed alcoholic who keeps talking about the days when they were an "It Boy" just isn't as awesome as it sounds. So get some sleep, already.
9.Misshapes. April 28th, 2007 photo #018: Cleavage is privilege, not a right.
8. Last Night's Party. SuperJanice video: Here is a video of some chick wandering around outside of a Chinese restaurant, in her underwear, while ominous techno music plays in the background.
7. The Cobrasnake. Seven 11 Shapes photo #2131: The Other Guy starting to look like the Misshapes' little good luck troll. And in a way, he sort of is.
6. Last Night's Party. Masters of X photo #9401: I don't know who these guys are, why they're wearing the same shirts, what neccessitates them needing to go "Full Throttle", where the fuck they came from, when their lives went so wrong or how they manage to take themselves seriously, but I'm sure the answers are out there somewhere.
5. The Cobrasnake. Shirlee Sidekick photo #8544: It's two dudes, two laptops, some wires and Sparks and shit. Why do these douches need a big retarded-looking tour bus? Either way, I'm sure the planet appreciates that.
4. Ambrel. Rated X photo #5064: Meet Ted. Ted is an accountant for a successful tax firm downtown. Sometimes he tells the wife and kids that he's going to meet some of the boys at a pub for a beer. But he does not go to the pub. Instead, he puts on his little red speedo, matching bowtie, tight tee and tube socks, then ventures out into the night to indulge the nagging desires that he doesn't completely understand, though does not care to try.
3. Misshapes. April 28th, 2007 photo #016: Listen, I'm no fashion expert, but if I were you, I'd probably not tuck the ripped sleeveless Salvation Army tee into the mom jeans. Your bladder looks like it's about to cover everyone within a six foot radius with Pabst and morning after pills.
2. Last Night's Party. Masters of X photo #9490: Imagine this being the last thing you see as the roofie slowly takes effect...
1. Last Night's Party. Masters of X photo #9429: The Hiptastic Spandex Bandit fights fashion crime in and around the unbearable nightclubs of New York. Her powers include looking like a total moron and sounding like a brainless cliche when she speaks. She finds it difficult to breath through her nose.
