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NICK DOUGLAS — Dear friend, I regret to inform you I cannot use your product just because I know you. I know this hurts, especially since you see me using a competing product, but you have to understand me. Hear me out, and you won't — hey, hey, calm down, it's gonna be okay — hear me out and you won't feel so bad, okay?

How long have we been friends? Just six — oh, four months? Really? No, it's just it seems like you've asked me to use your web site a million—

Don't cry, don't cry! I'm not leaving you. Yes, we're close. We share so much! We share some favorite books, and I slept on your couch that night, and we — well I wouldn't say we "shared" her, that's a little coarse, don't you think?

Anyway, we share so — no, no, this isn't the same sharing. It's just a level of sharing I'm not comfortable with. Because I already have someone for that. Sorry, something. This is not about you. It's just the site. You do lots of things other than this site, right? You wouldn't want me to share them all! You wouldn't want me to share your underwear!

No, your site is not like underwear. I'm sorry. It was a poor analogy.

Really, this isn't just about you. I have a lot of friends — well maybe I don't feel like telling you how many — Okay, I have 144 friends on Twitter. Hey, hey, now I do not use Twitter because I'm friends with Jack. I use it because it's good. Okay, okay, I'm not saying your site is bad. But if I had a car and you wanted to sell me another car, I wouldn't need it, right?

Look, you know I'm friends with Kris Tate, right? Well he wanted me to put my photos on his site Zooomr. But I already use Flickr for that, right? And he understood.

And Anil? Anil's okay that I use WordPress on my personal blog, even though he's VP at the company that makes Movable Type. It's not that I don't like his blogging tool; it just isn't what I needed. And he's cool about it. I mean, every now and then he sends me Goatse but I think it's affectionate.

You're building your user base, I understand. But don't you want users who are totally committed to the service? Well I already have a service for this. No, I can't just "create a profile and leave it at that." If I make a profile, I'll get messages, and everyone will start adding me, and I'll look rude if I don't spend hours a day paying attention to everyone. I don't even use Facebook unless people message me, and I didn't even reply to each person who wished me a happy birthday.

Well I have a loyalty to the product that competes with yours, and how do you think they'd feel? No, they're not better friends than you! I just got used to their product first, okay? What you're asking is that I violate that trust and the trust of the people who use that product with me, just to try something of yours that you frankly haven't put much time into yet yourself.

That was out of line. I'm sorry. I understand this is a big thing for you. Okay, look, here, I'll just — yes, I'm going to your site. Look, I'm registering. Just — calm down, people are staring — just back off, okay? I've got a meeting with your girlfriend, and she wants me to switch from your product to hers.

Whether they're in a band, an art class, or a startup, friends will always want you to help with their projects. What have we learned from the above? You can appeal to rationality, you can depersonalize the issue, you can give examples. But in the end, you really have to suck it up and play with your friend's product. And just as you did when your high school friend wrote a heinous rock song, you have to pretend it's good.

Photo by Scott Beale of Laughing Squid. Nick Douglas writes for Valleywag and Look Shiny. You'll look at Look Shiny, right? Because you're his friend?