From time to time, we find it's helpful (we are here for no reason if not to serve) to remind both new readers and grizzled veterans of the comments box alike how one can gain access to the exciting and semiprivileged world of official Defamer commenters. Sound like the next few minutes of your life are going to be fun and informative? Good, because they totally are! So how does one sign up for one of those fancy commenting logins? Here's how:

The Invitation: Those who think their employment pedigree or history of dedicated tipstering merits instant inclusion in the commenting fraternity should e-mail us to request an invitation. We are silly whores easily impressed by e-mail addresses revealing one's affiliation with any of the fine studios, agencies, public relations firms, or production companies that make Hollywood such an exciting place to waste the best years of one's life in the pursuit of a near-impossible dream, and are likely to offer an invitation to anyone drawing a paycheck from within this cruel industry. Those too paranoid to ask for an invite from their work address should feel free to hide the request within a cease-or-desist letter, or use a personal webmail account that explains their fear of termination over making anonymous jokes about their employer. See, we told you: Fun!

The Audition: Those unwilling/unable to follow the above route to commenting access can go directly to the comments box following any post, choose a username and password, and leave an on-topic, funny, and/or informative "audition" comment that proves what a valuable addition you'll make to our close-knit community of people united by a paralyzing fear of Brian Grazer's enormous headshot. These try-outs will be placed in a queue for approval; if they pass, they'll appear in their intended thread on the site and you'll be able to comment at will. If they don't, they will disappear forever into the abyss where the souls of Joel Silver's "missing" former assistants dwell, and you are free to audition again at your earliest convenience. We recommend that you try something different for you subsequent auditions, as "What did Angelina Jolie ever do to you? How many babies have you saved from poverty, fuckface?" is unlikely to make the cut, even when repeated in shouty, all-caps fashion. And one more thing—keep the try-outs brief. If you find yourself about to use a period for the third time, you've probably trying too hard.

Should you require further instructions, please see this handy FAQ, which reiterates many of the fine points you've just read. We should also remind everyone that it's been far too long since we've done a public commenter cancellation, so a fresh round of executions may be in the offing. (Read: an intern is busy learning how to tie a proper noose as we speak!) But don't worry—even if you find yourself banned, reincarnation is just an anonymous audition away. We'll always take you back, because we never meant to hurt you, baby.