Looking at the Look Book: Pimping Nita Sulzer's Ride
Nita Sulzer is a nice grandma with a sweet ride: a seafrost Jaguar! It looks good on her. And you should see her condo in Manhasset! Really, you should see it. "If you think this car is beautiful, you should see the condo. We have a clubhouse, three tennis courts, and a swimming pool. It's beautiful here, it really is. And we have security at the gates, so I don't worry about anyone coming in and robbing me." After the jump, Intern Alexis corrals Greg Johnson, Charles Star, and Lang Fisher to give Nita some new things to worry about.
What does Mr. Sulzer Do?
If he's smart he stays home all day and hits that. Nita. Smoking. Totally one of those doctors. Who's like a little foreign, funky accent. His hands are way too cold and no one would EVER want to hear him talk about genetalia OR think about him having sex with Nita. But unforch, both happen very often. Man. Guy weirds me out. Totally loaded though. Prolly makes it rain. Hopefully his first name's Alka. Be right up my alley.
Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.
She probably stays in bed and kicks it all day. With a tiny dog. Probably named Lola. Wouldn't be surprised if I was 3 for 3 right there. If she has a job, it's like to shop for furniture or some BS. She's like the wife on ABC's 'Wifeswap' who's the lazy one who's forced to travel to some ranch in Kansas and clean stables all day. She's offended by the strict rules and taxidermy and by day 2 the network already has a ripe half hour of crying footage. Cause she'd rather be back at home whipping the jag and kicking it in the condo. Cause obviously. Man. Her mattress probably cost, like, 20 G's. So good.
What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
Who even knows? Nita's clearly a very sensual woman. With sensual tastes. All she does is drive jags. I love it. In the article, she's like offended by the thought of her driving something other than a Jag. And she usually gets silvers, but this year she wanted a change. So seafrost it is. Nita. So spontaneous. Meanwhile, seafrost is basically silver. Jesus. End it.
Charles Star, comedian and writer
What does Mr. Sulzer do?
Mr. Sulzer does something boring that requires a suit and a corporate culture that assumes fear = motivation. He surrounds himself with people for whom the phrase "Seafrost Jaguar" suppresses the gag reflex that usually engages when being propositioned by a 68-year-old man.
Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.
Nita's day is not much different from Rain Man's. The drive to the mall isn't much farther than the back and forth in the driveway. Otherwise, she watches other people: people playing tennis, people swimming, people cleaning the surfaces of her condo and don't think I don't know how you half-ass it behind the piano because you think I won't check! In the afternoon, she stretches out on the couch, secure in the knowledge that the rent-a-cops are holding off the coloreds.
What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
With the Democrats taking over Congress in 2006, you just know that the poor are going to start to feel entitled. After years of silver Jags, she needed something to throw her pursuers off the scent. The teal also looks sharp in the condo's carriage house, which is painted "asshole."
Lang Fisher, Comedian and Writer
What does Mr. Sulzer do?
After injuring his back in the high dive competition in the 1956 Melbourne Olympic Games, Mr. Sulzer found himself hell-bent on designing some sort of reclinable chair. With inheritance from his late Uncle Zev's estate, he created the prototype for the first ever Laxy-Man chair. By the late sixties, Laxy-Mans were all the rage. In addition to the flagship store in his hometown of Manhasset, Mr. Sulzer opened three others several miles away in Plandome, Munsey Park, and Plandome Heights. Unfortunately, as Lazy-Boy grew in popularity, Laxy-Man's sales fell. Today, the Manhasset store is the only one still open and three-quarters of its floor space comprise rentable mini-storage units. However, on the upside, Mr. Sulzer still makes $50,000 a shift pushing the condo's poolside scotch fountain.
Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.
4:45 AM — Wakes up screaming.
4:46 AM — Checks security camera to make sure SeaFrost is untouched.
4:47 AM — Goes back to sleep.
5:30 AM — Wakes up for real, jumps in tropical waterfall style shower, turns on shower TV to Lawrence Welk, and spins around giggling.
6:00 AM — Walks down to garage and stares at SeaFrost for approximately one hour.
7:00 AM — Makes Bagel Bites pizza sandwiches for breakfast.
8:00 AM — Goes back down to stare at Sea Frost until noon.
12:00 PM — Berates daughter over the phone for being a lesbian.
12:15 PM — Calls SeaFrost's car phone and hangs up.
12:30 PM — Counts the condo's tennis courts ("One, Two, Three")
1:45 PM — Pays local black man to try to break into condo to test condo's security system
2:00 PM — Has local black man arrested for burglary
2:10 PM until NIGHTFALL— Shows SeaFrost old pictures from Mrs. Sulzer's pageant days
NIGHTFALL — Releases real jaguars onto golf course and then drives SeaFrost to run among them.
What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
The widower, Mr. Horowitz, from condo 12B down the hall has stolen their last four silver jaguars. Each time he's said, "No, it's mine, I've always had this, I just didn't show it to you" and then has crashed the car into the clubhouse. Anyway, ever since his wife was killed on a coral reef, he has had a large aversion to pastels, especially frosty blues, so the Sulzers chose the color accordingly.
