Looking at the Look Book: Mysterious Chantal Adair
So there's a famous mystery novel in which a detective wakes up with 'Chantal Adair' tattooed on his chest, which led me to the question: is Chantal Adair living my dream and totally fucking with the Look Book by creating a fake persona on the spot? Come on, no one would seriously cite Victoria Beckham as a "style icon!" Sadly, a bit of googling seems to indicate that Chantal is for real. Bummer. After the jump, Intern Alexis rallies Kate Miltner, Jack Kukoda, and Dan McCoy to unravel Chantal's remaining mysteries.
Kate Miltner, Advertising Monkey and Contributor to Childhood Obesity Epidemic
Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
I would give Chantal a little zig-a-zig-ah. You know, maybe a pink Baby doll dress, or a Sporty new look. She's looking a little Scary right now.
Who is or was Chantal, and what does she have to do with the elderly lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Well you see, Carl's father is the dean of admissions at Hofstra, whose admissions policies greatly favor 16-year-olds with little to no self esteem. As Chantal is a Real Woman With Self-Respect (batteries not included), Chantal's granny (the elderly lady) had to call one in.
Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?
Actually, Chantal doesn't have any eyes. She's America's First Blind Model. She's kind of like FDR — only instead of hiding behind the complicity of the American media institution of the 1930s and '40s, she hides behind her art history major and the brim of The Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.
Jack Kukoda, comedian and writer
Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
Flip up the brim of that floppy hat, add an oversize sunflower, a denim vest, a best friend named Six, and call it springtime.
Who is or was Chantal Adair, and what does she have to do with the elderly lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Chantal clearly stole her pseudonym from that William Lashner book. I'm reluctant to criticize her for it, though, since all through college I told people my name was Humble Buttons, one of Faulkner's lesser-known idiot man-childs. Why would I do such a thing? Because I'm unable to differentiate between good attention and bad attention.
Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?
They are smiling, of course. She's a model/art history student, for Christ's sakes. Those usually only exist in the fantasies of grad students and Michael Bay movies. If I were a male model/art history student I'd walk around in a skin tight body sock with Guernica silk-screened on it. And then when people stared at my abs, I'd be all, "You can't appreciate the social context of this piece like I can. I studied slides of it." Then I'd strut on over to F.I.T. and let girls take turns cracking chestnuts on my muscular male model ass.
Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
One of Chantal's favorite painters was Kandinsky, who favored swaths of bright colors and energetic lines. So I would have her take her cue from him, and flee the Nazis following the closing of the Bauhaus school. Not having to deal with those fascists should brighten her spring.
Who is or was Chantal, and what does she have to do with the elderly
lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Some questions a man knows not to answer, lest a well-directed blackjack engulf him in the sort of inky blackness that's matched only by a black fake fur coat on a black March day. Ultimately, I know one thing to be true: this is the sort of mystery that can only be solved by a grimy, self-deprecating Philadelphia defense attorney with two first names.
Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?
Outwardly, Chantal may seem happy, but she's crying on the inside —literally. Due to an unfortunate glaucoma-tester incident at her last eye exam, her corneas are permanently inward-rotated. She's bravely attempted to overcome this disability via a series of brim-heavy hats, but sadly this is dry cleaning day, and all of Chantal's less suspicious headgear (baseball cap, visor, sombrero) is unavailable, forcing her to don this "fedora-meets-Tom-Petty-top-hat" number.
