This is how bone-dry the goss well was this week: Us Weekly's cover story was about how celebrities are on the drugs. Among the revelations inside: "While in the field, Us reporters often run across celebrities doing everything from smoking pot to snorting lines of cocaine at both private and public parties and clubs." Nuh UH! The article is bracketed by 'blind' items about druggy stars; as a friend of ours puts it, "guessing these is like our very own version of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader." See how you stack up to a fifth grader after the jump!

Traveling toker: Before her divorce, this actress was so desperate to get high that she sent her assistant out to wander the streets of London in search of marijuana. Late riser: When this reformed bad girl used to stay for long periods at one historic Beverly Hills hotel, she required a special wake-up call each morning: A designated staffer had to pull the actress out of bed in order to sober her up from the night before. Then she would head off to the movie set. Tinkle toes: One night in Vegas, this coked-up social diva asked to be taken to a private bathroom—which happened to be in the kitchen. En route, she pulled up her dress and relieved herself on the kitchen floor. The staffer tried to point out her mistake, but she just laughed and returned to the party.

If you're unsure about the answers to any of these, we will be happy to share our wild guesses with you. We'll also send a team of emergency personnel to dislodge the boulder you've been trapped under.