Because the only way we know how to watch the Academy Awards is drunk to the point of blindness on cheap champagne while pounding a laptop keyboard with clenched fists and cursing a cruel and uncaring Creator for delivering undeserved victory into the hands of the artistically bankrupt, we will be liveblogging the Oscars telecast for a third straight year, generously sharing our semicoherent, real-time expressions of despair with those who, like us, are unlucky enough not to have anything better to do on Hollywood's Biggest Night. While we've previously promised the morbid spectacle of the first-ever liveblogging suicide, we fear that if last year's Crash win couldn't drive us to slit our own throats with the shards of a Brokeback Mountain screener, the far lesser cinematic evils of this year (really, who can get that whooped up about Little Miss Sunshine or Babel?) probably won't be enough to push us over that particular edge. Still, one never knows how one might react to news that Children of Men has lost to The Black Dahlia in the cinematography category while in André's volatile, bubbly clutches, so please do drop by on Sunday evening just in case.