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Relentlessly upbeat and intermittently intelligible center American Idol judge Paula Abdul is still explaining (and using almost exactly the same words) how her slurred, nonsensical, and sometimes unconscious appearances on national television are the result of a somewhat sideways view of life, and not, as many assume incorrectly, a predilection for straight-up Xanaxtinis:

"I've never been drunk," the 44-year-old Abdul tells Us in an exclusive interview. "I have never done recreational drugs. Just look at my 20-year career. "Tell me someone who is into partying and or doing drugs that could have done that."

While Abdul admits she has in the past used prescription drugs to treat inflammatory arthritis and reflex sympathetic dystrophy, her friends and colleagues continue to stand by her and insist that Abdul doesn't have a substance abuse problem.

"She certainly doesn't do social drugs or even drink," confirms AI Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe.

Well, that settles that! With the slate wiped clean of all previous misconceptions regarding the freespirited former Laker Girl, our Idol-viewing can now focus squarely on the starmaking task at hand. It's comforting to know that when a heart-splintering moment such as megatalent Constantine Maroulis being voted off the competition comes around again, the torrent of bitter tears pouring from Paula's eyes will be the genuine, unintoxicated article.