We can stop posting about Eric "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single, Even Though Every Other Sentient Life Form On Planet Earth Soooo Can" Schaeffer any time we want. Really. Okay, but before we take a vow of silence about Eric (who is also on the MySpace, in case you missed him on Nerve or Match) forever, we just have to share these latest tips. They're all thematically linked somehow. "How?" you're probably wondering. "I am racking my brain and I can't figure out what they're getting at based on that mysterious headline?!" Well, click on past the jump, little ones. But heed our warning: not safe for . . . just not safe. NOT SAFE.

I know a girl who actually dated the dude. She says it was the longest three days of her life, that he's gay and won't admit it, and that he told her so many lies to get her into bed that it almost felt like rape afterward.

Pseudo-raped! By a gay who won't admit it! Ew!

A woman I know dated Eric for a period of time in 2003. I told her not to do it because I know where he went to college and several friends who attended/alumni said he was responsible foran outbreak of the herp. Also he would not share his food with her during diner-he would tell her to order her own of whatever she wanted to sample. He also told her not to smile at him while they were eating. Details of their relationship ended up in the tv show about eating disorders. He goes to a well known downtown yoga center and just creeps everyone out. You didn't even mention his movie "Fall" where his alleged relationship with elle mcphereson is portrayed-allegedly elle fucked eric with a dildo.

Hmm . . . won't admit he's gay . . . allegedly likes getting fucked with a dildo . . . we felt the need to go straight to the horse's mouth. Gritting our teeth, we ventured into the belly of the beast. Brace yourself.

I was about to lose consciousness. Just before I did, she let me breath and whispered softly in my ear "or I'll choke you to death." She gently kissed the side of my lips, the corner of my mouth. Her lips were cool against the heat pounding from my reddened face. Soooo sexy.

As she strapped the dildo on I was getting more and more excited. She looked amazing. The perfect sex machine. A pussy, a cock, breasts, a gorgeous face and body. Long legs, lean, strong. "You like me don't you" I said, trying to top from the bottom as she finished fastening the buckles securing her cock in place. She cracked a sly grin. She did.

"No. I don't. And you talk too much." She leaned forward and jammed her dick in my mouth forcefully, choking me again. I could feel it slide down my throat which frightened me but seemed okay for the
moment. I was deep throating the thick rubber dildo like a porn star. Then I started to gag and tears flooded my eyes as I struggled for air. She took her other hand and covered my nose so all my air was now cut off. I bucked and twisted trying to kick her cock from my throat. Finally, when I was getting a little scared, she pulled it out and smacked my face with it. It was heavy and hard and it hurt much more
than I thought it would but she knew how much it would hurt. Dense rubber to my check bone. "What do you have to say now? You sucked that cock like a pro, you little faggot slut. Say 'I suck cock like a little faggot slut.'"
"I suck cock like a little faggot slut."

Well, that settles it. We don't know about you, but we're never having anything to do with MySpace, Nerve, Match, dating, or sex EVER AGAIN.

Earlier: Dating Eric Schaeffer: Reports From The Field