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At the risk of further stoking the fire of a sexagenarian lust unexpectedly ignited during Helen Mirren's two Golden Globes victories last night, we share with you the Reporter's account of the Double Queen's bawdy backstage remarks:

Helen Mirren won the best television actress award for her regal title role in "Elizabeth I," but backstage she was working blue, cracking jokes about what it means to be an Essex girl ("You know when an Essex girl has an orgasm, she drops her fries"). In fact, the joke carried on to her prospects for an Oscar. "I've never had an 'O.' They said the earth moves," she said. "I can't wait. I'll definitely drop my fries for that."

We can't wait for the Oscars, where Mirren will get the ultimate chance to remind us all that behind the award-winning, demure cinematic-monarch facade lies a smoldering, satisfaction-craving, little English minx who can still wear a dress cut down to her navel; when she takes the stage after her inevitable Best Actress win holding a handful of fries, we'll barely be able to contain our excitement, as we know that soon the cries of that earth-shattering first O will ring out inside a transfixed Kodak Theatre, easily drowning out the sound of her symbolic chips dropping to the floor.

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