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Gawker Explains It All will occasionally make like Clarissa, except without the mismatched earrings and with more breaking down of the nitty gritty of life in New York City. It's aimed at people who are way too stupid to even be reading it — or, actually, reading — in the first place. But you could always print it out and hand it to them on the street, and then teach them to read. Or something.

Silver bells . . . silver bellllls! It's Christmas tiiiiiime in the city. And honestly, we think being all 'grr, we hate Christmas hell' about it is a little clich d. There are a lot of a-ok things about Christmastime, like: presents. Aaaand, family office Christmas party buying other people presents okay, fuck it. Grrr, we hate Christmas hell. And obvs, the worst thing about it is the annual influx of idiots from the 'burbs in shiny new white sneakers who clog the sidewalks with their shopping bags and giant asses. Oh, the pain of being stuck walking at a snail's pace behind one of these people! And they're not the only ones guilty of bad behavior — people who actually live here year round seem to lapse into terrible pedestrian habits as soon as Starbucks rolls out the red cups for some reason. Well, we have had enough, and we're prepared to take whatever kind of action seems necessary. So: a guide to not getting 'accidentally' shouldered into oncoming traffic is after the jump.

  • In America, we drive on the right.
     Ok, suburbtards: imagine that you're tooling around the streets of the development full of identical McMansions where you live when you're not annoying us. You wouldn't randomly veer into the left lane and start plowing into oncoming traffic, would you? Unfortunately, no, you wouldn't. So why the hell would you think it was okay to do this when walking up or down a staircase or on a crowded avenue sidewalk in Manhattan? Why? Why why why? Because you are soooo dumb.
  • Pick up the pace, lard nug
     It's just generally understood that we speedwalk here all the time, like as fast as we can. Even if we don't have anywhere to go, we walk really really fast. This is good policy for two reasons: 1) we burn more calories, which helps us fit into subway seats and not have to become fatassed suburbanites like you and 2) it's considerate to the people walking behind us, who might actually be rushing to get somewhere important. Try it! It's good for your karma and your waistline.
  • Cell phone yapping hurts us all
     Talking and walking slows you down, especially when you're doing this: "Blah blah loudly! Where are you?? Well I'm at," (comes to a dead standstill and looks around for the nearest street sign) "the corner of Spring and Broadway! Yeah, you know, the huge, clotted pedestrian intersection! And all these people are stuck right behind me and they're looking at me like they want to kill me! Wonder why??"
  • Look where you're going
     Don't pause, gazing into the shop windows. The only time you should ever do this is when you are cast in a movie about someone who can't have the things in shop windows, in which case, feel free to wander aimlessly about the soundstage gazing longingly into the shop windows to your little heart's content. In real life, keep your eyes on the prize. The prize = not getting stepped on.

    Earlier: Gawker Explains it All: How To Eat in A Restaurant