Ghetto Pass: Ghetto Pickup Artists
The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.
What many people love about the ghetto is the lack of pretense. And Ghetto Pickup Artists (GPAs) are no exception. Don't look for any of that hi-falutin' passive-aggressive "hello, what's your name, can I buy you a drink?" bullshit here. Alcohol, pot, and cocaine? Pfft! These drugs are merely crutches for those who lack the esophageal dexterity, ESL skills, and fervent faith in "love at first sight" to properly project kissing noises while also saying, "ay mami, I'm gonna have to marry you if you put anymore culo in those pants." Today we examine the ghetto's inconvenient truth: the carnal conquistadors and true alpha-romantics in the Urban Jungle of Love. So come on in all you shorties and mamacitas, the water is fine, and y'all are looking so hot I think Al Gore is going to need you regulated to prevent global warming.
Planning a Trip - Mainstream pickup scenes are boring and paint-by-numbers simple. (1) Say "hi," show interest. (2) Buy alcohol. (3) Say "cool," nod your head, and show interest. (4) Buy alcohol. (5) Repeat (2), (3), and (4) until someone says "vagina" or "penis" or some variation. (6) Laugh, introduce physical contact. (7) Repeat (2), (3), and (4) until sex sequence is initiated. For GPAs, such stuffy formality is disingenuous. They prefer to play a game of high-risk and high-reward. After all, the hit percentage may be extremely low, but if you get a response to a "*kiss, kiss* oh my god, you look good girl *hiss*," then you know two things: You're probably getting lucky, and she's probably a keeper.
Are We There Yet? - The GPA's world is more a state of mind, one that rotates on an axis of female. So unless you bring a lady on your trip, you won't be able to tell if you're in the right place. As you rove around neighborhoods, keep a close eye on her. Tell her to maintain a constant stream of talk. At the same time her voice transposes into an almost imperceptible flatline of unintelligible twaddle, you will notice her face and body begin to acquire a special sheen. Her breasts will protrude. Her booty will ripen. It will seem as if she is being prepped for a cover shoot for Maxim or King right before your eyes (remember, this is a state of mind). When you reach the point where you have absolutely no care for what she says or thinks, but just before you want to start masturbating ... Bam! There you are.
Cat-Call & Response - The basic repertoire for any GPA consists of seven approaches:
• The Staredown - Basic eye contact. Direct and aggressive.
• The Stare and Pucker - Add a scrunched-up face with puckered lips.
• The Stare and Kiss - Now add kissing noises to the pucker.
• The Stare and Hiss - Now switch to hissing sounds, alternating with kissing.
• The Religious Proclamation - "Praise Jesus girl, you are fine!"
• The Conversation/Block Escort - "Can I talk with you mami ...". Must engage for full length of block HQ.
• The Loud Conversation with a Friend - "YO RICKY, do you see this girl over here? Yeah, the pretty one that's walking all fast. You think I should talk to her?"
Here is the basic array of female responses:
• The You Don't Exist - Being ignored is technically not a rejection.
• The Fuck You Hustle (aka The FUstle) - A stiffened-up accelerated walk.
• The Stiff Smile - Heheh, um, please leave me alone.
• The Nervous Chuckle - Teehee, no seriously.
• The Cry For Help - Self-explanatory, but rarely necessary.
• The Uncomprehending Glance-over - The look says, "I don't understand this breed of man." Usually coupled with The FUstle.
• The Beaming Queen - I love it. Shower me with your praise.
General Tips
There Is One Tip: If you're in the mood for being holla'd at, then just relax and let the GPAs do their thing. If you DO NOT wish to be approached, then you are advised to remove your makeup, hair, lips, eyelashes, breasts, and buttocks. Basically look as much like a man as possible. Do not use lotion, lip-gloss, Vaseline, or anything that reflects light. A burlap sack or garbage-bag poncho to cover your body helps, as long as it's not actually raining, in which case the raindrops that fall on your exposed elbows will glisten far too much to feel secure in your undesirability.
Fun Facts
• Did you know there are no blatant homosexual pickup artists in the ghetto? All homosexual flirtations are confined to furtive glances.
• Did you know GPAs always try to express their intents as simply and directly as possible? For the more competitive types, even the utterance of a whole word may constitute failure. Eschewing the existential conundrums of questions such as "Who are you?", GPAs prefer to think in terms of hisses, kisses, clicks, whistles, ohh-la-las, aye-aye-ayes, and guttural grunts.
• Papi Chulo says, "If holla'd at properly, most beautiful women walking down the street will learn enough Spanish to pass your average 101 level college course."
• Did you know the car-honker has been put on the endangered species list? There are 15 known car-honkers remaining in the universe. If you are lucky enough to see one, or better yet, hear one, take a picture. And smile darling, you look so much better when you smile.
• Did you know that despite having different scales, GPAs can often be confused with GPA (Grade Point Average) simply because most GPAs never rate higher than a 4.0?
Ghetto Terror Alert - While aggressive and rough around the edges, GPAs are the sweetest misogynist pigs you will ever meet. They are all chivalry and corn flakes and would never hurt a single hair on your head, unless you asked them to. Let your defenses down, and you may find yourself rejuvenated via a virtual hyperbaric chamber of compliments. If no one's around to see you sacrifice your feminist dignity, it's kind of nice.
Slang Check - In a world where tall girls can be "shorties," and skinny girls can have "phatties," there is little rhyme or reason, so you are free to make up your own slang. There are an infinite number of terms for females. And there an infinite number of terms for booties. After that we all just use the universal language of love ... baby.
