Lies Well Disguised: Naming Shit
Beano. Gremlin. Gawker. In addition to making up product benefits, making up product names is also part of an ad copywriter's job. Over the last 15 years, I've made up thousands of names for copiers, cupcakes, wines, stereos, vitamins, breakfast cereals, a client's daughter's babysitting business, etc. And not one of my submissions has ever been used.
But, everybody is always needing names for their stuff. And not coincidently, there are lots of "brand consultants" out there who will separate hundreds of thousands of dollars from a company's balance sheet to come up with...One Word. Remember the Pentagon's Iraqi Summer of 2005 Anti-Insurgency, Sharp Implement Series ? Operations Spear , Dagger , and Sword were followed up by Scimitar . Scimitar! Fancy! You and I helped pay for those names. Wonder how much was billed for that project?
Guys over 35, think back to when deodorant scents were simple. You had your Regular, Fresh, Sport and for fuck nights, Musk. Then came confusion. Cool Wave. Pacific Light. Wild Rain. Then came babe-magnet Axe with their Voodoo and Orion scents. Voodoo? Some douchebag like me came up with that.
Ad copywriters also get to make up jingles, though not so much anymore. An ex once challenged me to write a jingle for the aforementioned Beano in under an hour. This was the result, sung to "Mickey" by Toni Basil:
Oh Beano, you en-zyme
you're so fine for my behind!
Hey Beano! (clap clap, clap clap)
Hey Beano! (clap clap, clap clap)
(repeat)
Soy, Broccoli, Chili, Pasta, Bagels and Oat Bran
Chew 2 pills with gassy foods and put away that fan!
It's wise to use Beano
Oh what you do Beano, chew Beano
You stop the farts, Beano!
94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a Big Fat Lie. Advertising copywriter copyranter brings you instances of Ad Lies and the Lying Liars who sell them.
