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No misguided sociological commentary this week. Just a trilogy of true terror tales from deep inside conference room tombs. Conference rooms filled with the scary stupidity that is advertising.

Scene: Our ultra-stylish conference room here in NYC. The licensing group that owned the Starter Athletic Apparel name was meeting with a bunch of agencies to talk about a new campaign. Accompanying the client was New York Giant NFL Hall of Fame Linebacker Lawrence "LT" Taylor, who was apparently an investor or something. Introductions are made between the 6 men. My Creative Director starts in with our credentials spiel, but LT interrupts with a pressing question:

"Where're the bitches?"

The other five men in the room guffaw nervously. Awkward silence follows.

LT: No, really (flashes big LT smile). You got any bitches workin' here?"

(and...scene)


Scene: President's office of a small New Jersey bank. We are presenting ads for a new high-rate CD. The first four ads have been met with indifference. We pull the ace-in-hole out of a fake-leather case. The ad features a small illustration of a ski mask (including dramatic drop shadow) with a big ALL CAPS headline:

IF YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO ROB A BANK, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.

The President stares at us with shock and says, "All of three our branches have been robbed in the last month."
(and...scene)


Scene: The Brooklyn offices of multi-billion dollar trash company BFI. The client has agreed to kickoff an NYC campaign with the below ad. At the time, the world's worst kept secret was that the City garbage business was Mob controlled. All pricing was rigged.

Cut to the Brooklyn stoop of BFI's president the week after the ad ran. Early morning. The bloody head of a German Shepherd sits on the top step.
(and...scene)

This image was lost some time after publication.

94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a Big Fat Lie. Advertising copywriter copyranter brings you instances of Ad Lies and the Lying Liars who sell them.