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Far be it from us to dictate to television's Marcia Cross how best to run her household, but were we to allow our newlywed stockbroker husband to photograph us soaping ourselves down suggestively outdoors and in the altogether, we'd probably put the risqué shots somewhere slightly more secure than the garbage bin for safekeeping, where a rodent/entrepreneur hybrid like "Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt might be foraging for his next big find:

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt has gotten his hands on more than 200 personal photos of the titian-tressed actress.

"There are some pictures of her showering outside," Schmidt tells us. "She looks absolutely gorgeous. And yes, the carpet does match the curtains." [...]

Her lawyers argue that no matter where the photos were found, they are the copyrighted property of Cross and her husband, Tom Mahoney, who may have taken some of them. [...]

Schmidt is representing the owner of a carting firm hired to remove trash from Cross' home in L.A. According to Schmidt, one of the firm's employees discovered the photos when he got to the dump. [...]

Schmidt says his client also has Cross' tax returns. "I know how much she made, but out of respect for Ms. Cross, I won't discuss it," he says.

Although it may already be too late in this instance, Cross and Mahoney may want to invest in a paper shredder, an affordable home office device which could easily have circumvented the impending release of a 13-month calendar entitled "Delicious Housewives," featuring such titillating pin-up material as a naked Cross amateurishly Photoshopped in front of Old Glory as July's "Miss Firecrotch Firecracker," as well as April's magnified reproduction of lines 1 through 28 of her 2005 tax return.