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Far be it from Madonna to accept delivery of her new child in tight-lipped quietude. On her way to getting David Banda fitted for his very own red-string bracelet, the singer paused long enough to deliver a stiffly worded written statement, bursting with cautious legal flavor, in which she claims the adoption was many months in the making and insisting that she followed all the appropriate procedures in expanding her brood.

After learning that there were over one million orphans in Malawi, it was my wish to open up our home and help one child escape an extreme life of hardship, poverty and in many cases death, as well as expand our family. Nevertheless, we have gone about the adoption procedure according to the law like anyone else who adopts a child. Reports to the contrary are totally inaccurate. The procedure includes an 18-month evaluation period after which time we hope to make this adoption permanent.

The statement continues, "Unless we decide we don't like him, in which case, we'll toss him back before the warranty expires and trade for a newer model — again, just like what happens with anyone else who leases adopts a child." Buckle up — it's going to be a long 18-month DavidWatch. We expect the ensuing publicity onslaught to include such vital gems as, "Madonna Speaks Out On Child's Mushy-Peas Addiction," "Madonna: No Truth To Rumors That David Cries When He Wears Prada," and "Singer Swears Buying Only Six Months' Worth Of Diapers Really, Really Doesn't Mean Anything."