When we want our daily dose of unabashed sentimentalism, we would usually turn to something logical, like, say, Saved By The Bell reruns (we could watch Jessie Spano get so excited, so excited, so scared from those caffeine pills all day), rather than to the chirpy talk-show stylings of Ellen DeGeneres. But even she has succumbed to Very Special Syndrome: On Monday's hour — which, we kid you not, began with a pandering voice-over, "Today, an Ellen like you've NEVER SEEN BEFORE" — Ellen trotted out hypnotist Paul McKenna, both to disavow our theories that all such people are hissing Vaudevillian caricatures, and to help her quit smoking. You'd think that watching America's favorite bobblehead of good cheer ratchet down the happy by tearily confronting her inner pain would be...well, a downer. But mercifully, the sappy editing, heartstring-abusing music, dramatic stings, and the image of McKenna advancing on a helpless, sniffling Ellen and threatening to shove an imaginary brick of gobbed-on, meaty licorice into her mouth are all top-notch unintentional humor. She later revealed she hasn't smoked in three days; in related news, she also can't close her eyes. Or eat.