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The lies you are about to read are, actually, not at all well-disguised. That's because there is no disguising the bare-naked bullshit of New York real estate advertising. But, how does one justify charging 1, 2, THREE mil for two small empty rooms? You just have to make pretend you're selling units of Kubla Khan's pleasure dome and adjust your use of language accordingly. "Renovated" becomes "luxury." "Cheap marble" becomes "couture." And "Jade Jagger" becomes "designer."

Please let me take you on a stroll through a Sunday New York Times real estate section. You'll feel like a kid in a candy store—a kid on a dolly with no arms or legs.

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First up, an ad for 45 Park Ave. tells me if my "dreams had an address," this would be it. Nooo, if my dreams had an address, Blowjobs & Bacon Boulevard would be it.

Next, Ian Schrager, former owner of Studio 54 and convicted, jailed tax fraudster, humbly explains his vision for the newish 50 Gramercy Park North thusly: "I wanted to change the way people live..."

Mission accomplished, Ian. You changed where I drink. The old Gramercy Park Hotel bar you destroyed was one of coolest watering holes in the city.

Schrager's other cubic zirconia is the synthetic 40 Bond St. His philosophy for it, in quotes at the website: "It should be the art of living, not the job of living."

What a Dick.

Speaking of "the art of living," that's tagline for some Laight St. glass condos. I think you guys had it first. Why not sue that cheat Schrager?

Others telling me how to live: An East End Ave. building says it is "the new vision in family living"; Some Tribeca condos tell me they're "Tribeca condos like never before"; two buildings named "Ariel" say they're "traditional living like never before;" and a 55th St. structure claims to be "the perfect living experience."

Finally, condos on West End Ave urge me to "think Paris, circa 1910."

Fine. Cut your prices 95%.

Copyranter has been an NYC advertising copywriter for 14 years. He gets paid a ridiculous amount of money to be stupid.