Paris Hilton Charged With DUI; Official Slap On Wrist Next
Earlier today, Paris Hilton took the next step in her slow march towards Celebutard Justice, which will inevitably end with the blindfolded Lady herself stepping off her courtroom pedestal, putting down her Swarovski-crystal-encrusted sword and scales to issue a slap to the heiress's wrist, then giddily texting best girlfriend Mercy, "OMG! I just touched Paris! I could die!" on her marble Sidekick, as Hilton was finally charged with a DUI stemming from her ill-fated In-N-Out run of early September. Hilton, of course, has been so profoundly affected by the unfortunate incident that she urged her publicist to pass along appropriate expressions of remorse and shame:
"Paris regrets the entire event," Mintz told PEOPLE. "She had never been arrested before, so to go through the police procedure was very disorienting for her. It was personally humiliating for her; she is not taking it lightly or frivolously."
No one should expect anything else than a very well-publicized, nominal fine and accompanying probation, but we can still hold out hope that the judge has a sense of humor; we can think of no better punishment than requiring that all of Hilton's cars be equipped with Breathalyzer ignition systems, so that each time she decides to drive home following a night out at Hyde, her attempt to blow-start her vehicle will be captured by a TMZ video camera.
