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Radar offers a detailed description and photo tour of the legendary home of Don Simpson, former Jerry Bruckheimer producing partner and patron saint of fatal Hollywood excess, which they report is on the market for just over $3 million. Duly noted are the mansion's many unique, prostitute-related amenities: a master bathroom equipped with six hooker-dousing showerheads; a $40k bed featuring "heavy-duty metal hooks" to which he could lash spooked escorts who might flee a particularly vigorous paddling; and a secret hot tub in which Simpson and a handful of his favorite paid companions could relax in between coke-fueled orgies. And while all of these customizations certainly sound like good, clean, eventually-kill-you-on-the-crapper fun, the producer's onetime residence also reflects the dark side of his lifestyle:

On a scarier note, the headboard concealed a hidden compartment containing a shotgun and machete, the last line of defense against the intruders—be they mob-hired hit men, deranged prostitutes, jilted rivals or psychotic drug dealers—the paranoid producer expected at any time.

Of course, to get to the bedroom, would-be assailants would have had to make it past the bevy of long-range security cameras (which are still operational) and a labyrinth of pressure sensors concealed under the wall-to-wall carpeting; stepping on one would cause doors within the house to lock automatically. Who says money can't buy peace of mind?

We hope that the property is eventually bought by a dedicated Hollywood preservationist, as this town might never again see the construction of such a lavishly appointed, lovingly constructed paranoiac pleasuredome again. Well, at least until Brett Ratner finally snaps and commissions NASA to build him a roof-mounted laser beam meant to repel Death himself when he finally comes for best friend Robert Evans.