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According to various, badly sourced online reports, onetime nightlife ubiquity and former globe-trotting serial inebriationist Tara Reid has finally decided that her oft-discussed, surgically overenhanced breasts were distracting from her acting talent, and recently underwent a reduction to restore the public's focus on her mastery of craft. Unfortunately, not even this radically misguided move could save her stalled career from the unprecedented indignity of an internet-enabled descent to a level below a straight-to-Blockbuster DVD release, the direct-to-download movie dump:

Time Warner Inc.'s Internet business will begin selling the movie, which stars Tara Reid, for $7.99 on its relaunched site for teens, AOL Red, starting on Halloween. DVDs will go on sale a month later.

Reflecting filmmakers' growing hopes for Internet distribution, Shapiro and his partner decided to go direct to download after they were unable to find an attractive deal for theatrical release.

"Faced with the choice of going the traditional route, which we thought was onerous, we decided, 'Let's roll the dice on this one,' " said Shapiro, a longtime film and TV producer.

Having failed the certification exam for the Greater Los Angeles Association Of Back-Alley Cosmetic And Reconstructive Surgeons years ago, we're unsure how long Reid needs to wait before heading back to her doctor and having her after-market mammaries reinstalled. But we'd suggest that she undergo the procedure as soon as it's reasonably safe to do so, before rapidly advancing technology provides an even more efficient way for Hollywood to dispose of her next movie.