How to be a Silicon Valley cynic
You're still "post-modern"? Dude, that's so five ideologies ago. Don't worry, take this crash course in Silicon Valley cynicism and no one will know you're not a quasi-meta-pomo-pseudohipster just like the rest of us.
- Point out every joy in life as a sign of "bubble excess." No one gets credit for calling "bubble" if the house band is the reanimated bodies of the Beatles. That's why you must point out everything — a giant rocking horse, a rooftop party, any in-office snacks more elaborate than a bag of stale Cheetos — as a sign that the whole industry has gotten wildly out of control and is due for an earth-shattering crash.
- Refer ironically to "Web 2.0." If anyone asks you what it means, mutter something about pastel colors, rounded corners, and Ajax. Smirk while you are doing so, to show that pastel boxes are FUNNY AS HELL, but you're too cool to smile. (And smiling causes laugh lines that make you look old.)
- Complain about "sausage parties." At every party with a wide majority of male attendees, complain loudly that more women were not invited. Do this so you don't actually have to interact with the women who came to this party, because they are boring and ugly. Hot, engaging women only go to parties with lots of other women.
- Be under 35. Better, be under 21. If you are not under 35, pretend you are (no laugh lines!) or get married and then become swingers. All sexy people over 35 are actually swingers.
- Have a profile on every social site. Have a LiveJournal, a Facebook, even a 43 People account. But here's the trick — don't actually use them. Just use one, either something old like Tribe, or something new like Vox, and if anyone asks for an "add" on the others, explain that you forgot that site was around because you're just so busy nowadays. This makes you look more important than (but just as "plugged in" as) the other person.
