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Not a week after Mark took some time off for a highly controversial gonad resurfacing and scrotal lift (really, Mark, that's a procedure for men twice your age. Has gravity been that unkind?), he's off again today, presumably to take his new, improved self out for a spin. Patrons of the Downtown Standard rooftop pool, this is your lucky day: Simply rap twice quickly on the center waterbed pod, wait for his breathy order to "Enter," and climb into the undulating oasis to get up close and personal with the fruits of his painful self-improvement regime. In the meantime, your associate editor—who plans on allowing his every body part the dignity of growing old naturally, thank you very much—will carry you through this half-day of posting before your Labor Day long weekend.

-Seth