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· Had we not already been gifted with the Malibu Police Department's star-studded "sugar tits" report, this one from Toledo featuring the phrase "the rotund robbers began pelting him with a flurry of chubby fists and tore the milk jug from his grasp" would easily be the best we've ever read. F'ing poetry.
Behold the coast-battering, windy man-titties of Tropical Storm Fabio.
Us Weekly strikes back against Jennifer Aniston publicist Stephen Huvane by running a greatest hits collection of his best lies.
Dude, where's my cock car?
· If you have any interest in sports whatsoever, make sure you check out our brother blog Deadspin's post about the voicemail Sportscenter anchor Scott Van Pelt left for a lady he'd met at a bar. It's definitely no Pat O'Brien-level performance, but it's pretty great on its own terms.