Monday Morning Box Office: 'Pirates 2' Fastest To Every Dollar Amount You Can Imagine
Enjoy the weekend box office numbers, more refreshing than an unauthorized, naked swim in a neighbor's pool to beat the current hell-on-earth heatwave.
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest—$35.049 million
As the office records continue to pile up, the staggering numbers flirt with meaninglessness: Fastest Ever To $300 Million; Third Highest-Grossing Third Weekend—EVER!; First Ambisexual Pirate Epic With Fourteen Plots To Reach $321 Million. So total is Pirates 2's domination that we now can't even imagine a weekend in which the movie doesn't finish first, and can easily envision a near future in which rival studios, their spirits broken by week after week of relentless box office buggery at the hands of Captain Jack Sparrow and his swashbuckling crew, hold back the release of new product until the rape-happy Bruckaneesr disengage from their collective hindquarters around the $6 billion mark.
2. Monster House—$23 million
Each weekend that Hollywood coughs up a new, CGI spectacle designed to lure children away from their homebound Wiggles sing-a-longs for an afternoon of popcorn and a 96-oz. Mountain Dew Code Red sugar high at the multiplex, we briefly find ourselves overjoyed that we have not reproduced. Then we weep openly and kick a puppy, secretly frustrated that we're missing out on the special family moments that only a team of computer animators can provide.
3. Lady in the Water—$18.210 million
Call it Nina Jacobson's Revenge, call it The Curse of the Low-Carb Soup, call it whatever, but through the Lady in the Water's startling failure, tragically misunderstood director M. Night Shyamalan finally has what he's really wanted: A good excuse to nail himself to the Y in the Hollywood sign and wail to the heavens about how no one really "gets him."
4. You, Me, and Dupree—$12.787 million
[7. My Super Ex-Girlfriend—$8.7 million]
Much to our surprise, The Battle of the Wilson Brothers was as lopsided as a towel-snapping fight between a five-year-old Owen and a two-year-old Luke. To celebrate The Butterscotch Stallion's victory over The One Who Hasn't Earned A Cute Nickname, why not play a rousing round of Name That Wilson?
5. Little Man—$11 million
The LAT actually tracked down someone willing to go on the record decrying the Wayans Brothers' shameful appropriation of a beloved Bugs Bunny episode for their Marlon's-head-on-a-tiny-body abomination. Enjoy.