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Take in the record! breaking! numbers! from this weekend, secretly pleased that your boss is in a meeting trying to figure out how to delay Tom Hanks' next project so they can get him into "something piratey" immediately.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest—$132.028 million
The number is staggering: $132 million. (To conceptualize how huge an amount that is, picture over 132 million piles of money containing one dollar each. Amazing! And if we haven't used that joke before, even more amazing!) Pirates 2 shattered™ Spider-Man's opening weekend record (apologies to the fictional Aquaman, which saw its fake record evaporate in a mere three weeks), as well as the records for biggest single day, biggest opening day, and fastest movie to $100 million.

And yet: We're still not impressed. The disappointing™ Pirates 2 failed to set the all-time domestic box office record in its initial weekend of release, a staggering underperformance that will have Disney executives spinning the stunning $468 million shortfall with weak excuses about having "only three days" to catch Titanic or about "diminished interest" because of Sunday's World Cup final. Sad, but nothing we haven't heard on countless Monday mornings in the past. Own up to your failings and vow to do better next time, guys. No one likes a whiner.

2. Superman Returns—$21.85 million
On paper, Gay Superman Vs. Drunken, Sexually Ambiguous Pirate seems like a pretty fair fight. But as it turns out, Captain Jack Sparrow's syphilitic pirate-junk was tainted with Kryptonite (one picks up all sorts of exotic STDs in the brothels of Tortuga), and to borrow a well-worn sentiment from the world of sports, that's why they play the games.

3. The Devil Wears Prada—$15.6 million
On Entourage, Adrian Grenier is the biggest movie star in the world. In reality, Grenier is the token himbo in a chick-lit adaptation, billed below character actor Stanley Tucci. We hope he's enjoying these heady days nestled in HBO's bosom.

4. Click—$12 million
When at a loss for things to say, fall back on an important-sounding stat: Click has now become Adam Sandler's seventh hundred-million-dollar comedy.

5. Cars—$10.33 million
We bid a fond farewell to the latest Pixar hit and anxiously await the studio's reinvention of the animated, talking rodent genre, Ratatouille. You'll forget that the Secret of NIMH ever existed!