• Today in the Wasted Adventures of Lindsay Lohan: after her birthday party, Lohan passes out on the toilet, "loses her keys," leaves her car parked in front of a drop-off spot on Pacific Coast Highway, and, in the grand finale, autistic kids can't access the beach. [Page Six]
• TomKat is keeping baby Suri so under wraps that even their fellow cult members have yet to see the baby. Until John Travolta can vouch for her, we're not convinced that baby even exists. [Us Weekly]
• Not surprisingly, Star Jones messy exit from The View was great for ratings: when she appeared on Larry King, he had triple his average number of viewers. Meaning that he also farted for an audience three times as disgusted as usual. [E!]
• A guest from Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's wedding is auctioning off mementos on eBay. [Page Six]
• Contrary to the rumor mill, Jay-Z and Beyonce did not get married this weekend. That'll help you sleep better at night, no doubt. [Lowdown (3rd item)]
• Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband Ojani Noa claims that she practiced voodoo. Which is exactly how she keeps Marc Anthony submissive. [R&M]
• Watch Paris Hilton dance, then stab yourself in the eye. [TMZ]