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You tried fair competition. You tried fake friendliness. Sucker. The only way you'll take your enemies down is an all-out smear campaign. Don't make it sloppy. Unless you follow the dictims of dishonor, your tactics will backfire like a Tijuana burrito-eating contest. Besmirch by the rules:

  • Strike from the dark. Stay anonymous in Round 1. Send your tips to trusted scandal clearinghouses — your forum buddies, old friends, anyone you'd share coke on a stripper's belly with (and, in '99, probably did). It's not passive aggressive, it's the art of war.
  • Spammity spam spam. Not you, your enemies. Somewhere, somehow, every techie worth striking down has made some exchange (other than "send to trash") with someone you could call a spammer. Play off the tech world's conceit that upon meeting a spammer, it's criminal to not kick them between the legs and steal their lunch money. With enough finesse, you can turn an innocent exchange into scandal and feed it to a gullible blogger.
  • Crime doesn't pay. Keep the attacks personal and ambiguous. Experts call it FUD — fear, uncertainty, and doubt. If you actually accuse your enemy of a crime, you're liable for libel.
  • Your best friends live under bridges. You're not aiming for the stars here. Trolls are your friends in low places. Take your smear to YTMND, a hive of novelty-site makers who love a good battle. (See what they did to the founder of Ebaum's World.) Get linked from the newshounds at Digg. Notify the quasi-journalists. Then watch the blogger army spread your FUD.
  • Never let them see you bleed. Remember rule #1 from James Bond's gadget man when the inevitable backlash begins. Stand your ground. It's not a backfire, it's just part of war.
  • Always have an escape plan. You don't want to follow Q's rule #2 — how could anything go wrong? — but plan your getaway now, before you're clenched up with fear like a baby in Britney's hands. And remember, you can come back in five years and no one will remember your little mudfight.