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As we find ourselves nearing the humpday of Superman Returns' paradigm-shifting, seven-day opening weekend, we thought it only fitting to continue to pour on the Superman coverage ad nauseum until your faces runs green as Kryptonite and you start fantasizing about taking a five-year break from the planet yourselves. Having already covered the topic of Superman's hair through the years, we move onto the less vital but no less fascinating topic of what Dean "Oh, yeah! He played Superman, too!" Cain thinks of his updated, big budget counterpart.

Q: What about the new film gave you a sense of "been there, leaped that"?

A: Sitting through the movie was eerily familiar. The flying, The Daily Planet, even the color palette. And the romance between Lois and Clark was very reminiscent of the one I played with Teri.

Q: How does Brandon Routh measure up as the new Superman/Clark Kent?

A: Great job, but I can't compare his Superman to mine because in our version, Clark Kent was the main guy. [...]

Q: What was the biggest difference between your series and the film?

A: I wasn't in the water as much as Brandon. And the film's special effects were a lot better than ours. It ups the credibility when it comes to flying. They also changed the heat vision. I had little laser beams that came out of my eyes, and his are more like heat waves.

Even after the reporter turned off his tape recorder, Cain held forth for another solid hour on how his '90s TV Superman was the definitive embodiment of the Man of Steel, criticizing how the new Superman's shoddy X-Ray vision "couldn't see through a Ziplock baggie full of water," and how his super-hearing "sounded like he was listening to the world's problems on a shitty AM radio." Realizing that some of his constructive criticisms might seem petty, he then explained how he's long since moved on from the days that millions looked up to him as the greatest American superhero, and much prefers his more recent gigs, such as reprising his role as "Brad" in the much-anticipated sequel to NBC's hit disaster MOW, 11.6: Even Apocalypser.