We'd always thought that if one loosened Kevin Federline's cornrows, he'd collapse into a pile of loose skin, overlong cargo shorts, and a wife beater, but something called Item magazine proved that providing K-Fed with a shave and a haircut doesn't actually result in sudden, catastrophic background-dancer loss. The stunning transformation might be too much for an already vulnerable Britney Spears to bear; we picture her momentarily ignoring her baby's cries, spilling tears of her own on the photo spread while she feverishly composes a few lines of incomprehensible, depressive tenth-grader-quality poetry lamenting that she wasn't knocked up by an investment banker.