Last night's Lincoln Center shitshow served as a pleasant reminder that David Blaine isn't a magician so much as a stunt man — and an inept one at that. After spending 7 days pruning in his human aquarium, the showboat emerged to wrap himself in chains and go back under in an attempt to hold his breath for nine minutes and thus break a world record. Alas, he came up for air two minutes short of the record. Pussy.

He bravely takes a moment to thank the people of New York for our "support," but Blaine's tears are visible as he chokes on his own shame. Grab yourself a kleenex, because nothing pulls at the heartstrings like failed publicity whores.

Related: Watch the full seven minutes for yourself. [Celebrity Hijinx]