This image was lost some time after publication.

We'd like to see you write nearly 4,000 words about the April issue of Vogue. No, seriously — the fact that anyone can take such mind-numbing "sophistication" and spin it into critical inspiration amazes us. Case in point: our beloved Earl Grey, known for his rambling Gawker Stalker sightings (which earned him the widely embraced Crazy Stalker nickname) and intense critiques of high-heeled glossies.

Today Earl "Crazy Stalker" Gray reports on the latest issue of Vogue, which earns a tragic "one thumb down." For example:

But compared to truly Olympian photos from the past by Horst, Newton or even Roxy Music LP covers like "Flesh & Blood," these sunshiny Cali images simply fall short, and the workout looks ersatz & ridiculous.

If we could wrap our head around it, we're sure it'd cut to the quick. For those of you who have no fear, his crack-fuelled insights follow.

————————————————

BEST EDITORIAL:
'rockin the boat' karolina kurkova & pharrell williams [skateboard P] in rio. shot by mikael jansson, this is the only high quality fashion edit in the entire magazine. jansson usually shoots for euro vogues, espec paris, and if he's joined US vogue staff it's very welcome, and like the new sexy mood Mark Holgate forecasts in the VIEW section, not a moment too soon.

This story was edited by edward enninful, who is fairly new to US vogue, but has been doing great work for UK vogue for awhile. this is the type of rio bikini edit that we've seen before [the 2000 or so one by testino with gisele, ana claudia, mariana weickert & freddy tavares is legendary, it was one of the hottest stories in wintour's Vogue reign & symbolized the peak moment of the brasilian model craze circa 2000]. Although Im not personally a karolina fan, she has been able to succeed in past US vogue swim/honeymoon stories. Im aware that many people think shes super-hot so they will like her in these swimsuits a lot. actually enninful styled an even better menswear story here on skateboard p- and although I love some of pharrell's music, I didnt immediately expect to love his modelling. but enninful presented him extremely well in these classic warm weather mens pieces. {about 3 years ago US vogue did a p diddy story, walking on madison ave, also with karolina. why does vogue often choose karolina for the hiphop-r&b related stories?} anyway rio is a great backdrop here, all the looks over 12 pages are good.

favourites on KK incl: D&G; paul smith/chanel; lacoste/ck; and chanel. as I said enninful's menswear choices on skateboard p are even better: marc; prada/ck; gucci; D&G; burberry; prada. this is the only typical & successful high fashion edit in this atypical 'shape' issue and given that KK & skatebord p are not my 1st choices, this is quite a good fashion, resort & warm weather style edit. enninful did a fantastic job with the editing. rating 7 of 10.

COVER STORY: Jennifer Aniston by Testino. Jon Van Meter interviews Aniston at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Van Meter has known Aniston for several years & his portrayal is extremely sympathetic. Yet despite his positive affirmations, Aniston seems distressed and fragile behind her words of humour & resignation. "My shrink died...is this some kind of cosmic joke?"

More telling, an older woman approaches Aniston at lunch, seeking her participation in some save-the-children charity. Here's Aniston's darkly comic riff after the woman leaves: "You said you wanted to save the dying children" "No, I dont recall that." "They called and said you were interested & then you just decided never to call again. But the children are dead now, so it's OK. The window has past."
As Van Meter transcribes that darkly comic interlude from Aniston at lunch, I can only imagine that the children she is sub-consciously referring to are the children she hoped to conceive with Brad Pitt. So even though the children are dead in her parable, and her marriage is too, it's OK, everything is OK.

That's the kind of wounded optimism projected in Van Meter's piece, not exactly happy, but I like the human realism of it. Theyre also candid about the failure of her film "Rumor Has It." And optimistic about "Friends With Money," in which she plays a pot-smoking maid. I saw 1 promo image already and Jen looks pretty cute in a French maid's outfit. There's also a funny story about her small house in the Hollywood hills which is over-run by bunny rabbits. Living up there with the bunnies and her dog & her close friend vince Vaughn, maybe things are looking up for Aniston in 2006.

The photos: Testino's pics of Aniston are ok. Theyre not sexy like the best of his work [remember Charlize Theron in Vogue?] But she looks well and the hair & makeup are out-doorsy & wholesome, the Aniston we expect from TV & magazines. However shes posed with lots of gymnastic props, like the summer Olympics- acrobatic workout rings, parallel bars. this nod to the Shape issue may also depict a new 'strength' for the recuperating actress. But compared to truly Olympian photos from the past by Horst, Newton or even Roxy Music LP covers like "Flesh & Blood," these sunshiny Cali images simply fall short, and the workout looks ersatz & ridiculous. she looks cute in mcqueen on the cover, its a happy wholesome celeb vogue cover. fashion wise the best look inside is the black gucci dress & kamali silver swimsuit, but sweet aniston is not the model one wishes to see in these looks- julia stegner, diana dondoe, inguna, marija, winberg, emina- there are 50 or more 2006 models that couild be posed in these same scenes that would put wholesome tabloid star aniston in the dirt. rating: 3 of 10, an adequate celeb cover/edit & van meter's psychologically suggestive profile was interesting & readable so that might bring the whole story up to 4 of 10.

LIEBOWITZ SHAPE PORTFOLIO:
'golden girl' melania knauss trump by liebowitz. the panoramic palm beach airport pic of melania in bikini & donald in super-luxe sportscar on the tarmac was a successful promotional image for this magazine that was sent out to the media. however despite its high-tech ambition this is another wide-screen liebowitz image that completely fizzles. also story-wise, I'll note that the donald seems to be driving away from his wife, a fore-shadowing of future events by liebowitz? melania's fans might love her in a gold kamali bikini but im not one of them.

* there is a series of 5 additional liebowitz photo production numbers: J Crew's Jenna Lyons in her design room; opera singer anna netrebko backstage at the met; trapeze artist chelsea bacon outside an NJ steel mill; chef suzanne goin on montauk; jockey chantal sutherland in hallandale FL riding her horse in her underwear. Ive frequently been disappointed by liebowitz' US vogue work the last 5 years [versus her exemplary rolling stone and vanity fair years] and this big-budget, extravagant production number edit is among the worst. the only good photo is goins on the beach in montauk [pg 350] & thats due to the dramatic natural surrounds. the donald & melania may be newsworthy but its pretty average dramatically & not everyone will like melania in gold bikini. like many of liebowitz vogue edits [drew barrymore with dead animal heads] this is conceptual & extravagant production-wise, but really REALLY flat looking on the page.

Its a 24 page portfolio wiith 1 good photo - goins on the beach. and the jockey in her underwear [pg 354] looks super duper ridiculous. phyllis posnick edited this big budget story and its a dud. rating 2 of 10 only for goins montauk pic & the huge, expensive effort involved, to little result.

** liebowitz goes so nuts with the big-budget approach, how ironic that her best photo in the entire mag is the simplest: a studio portrait of robert downey jr in gucci. pg 370. phyllis edited this one, too. liebowitz has certainly taken thousands of awesome celeb portraits over the decades it would be nice to see such direct & uncomplicated work like this again from her- this downey portrait is piercing & more satisfying than the wide-screen flops noted above. why is the jockey woman in her undies?

BEST PICTURE IN MAGAZINE:
Gisele photographed by Irving Penn. If you liked Angelina Jolie's fanny crescent in Vanity Fair, you will love Gisele's. This image illustrates a Jancee Dunn piece on lower back pain. "The bare essentials: Gisele, a good book, and a supple back." A little comic relief to see Gisele poring over a paperback. She's said that astrology is her favourite reading, and who can blame her. For more than 50 years Penn has been shooting extraordinary studio portraits & this black & white image of Gisele's curvy fanny is the only photo in this issue that will live on 5, 10 or more years from now. There are doubtless other images from this shoot that will later berevealed & likely celebrated. pg 386

* Penn also shoots architect Frank Gehry in an intense & contemplative portrait. Gehry has just designed some bio-morphic shaped wooden jewelry for Tiffany & Co. Each month Penn & David Bailey deliver the best photos in Vogue, as they have for 40-50 years. As fine as Jansson, Meisel & Testino can be, Penn is still the master. pg 380. ** Guido Mocafico's still life of Gehry's hand-carved wooden fish choker is also excellent. pg 383.

Editorial #4: 'mythic proportions' Demarchelier shoots Solange ['thin'] and Trentini ['tall']. tonne goodman edited its boring even by demarchelier's conservative vogue studio standards. much of his bazaar work was livelier than this. best pic is solange in light grey miu miu jacket & skirt.[pg 330.] trentini is ok in YSL & armani but between the dull studio style and body-type focus this is a real non-starter for opening edit in the issue. rating 3 of 10 its nice to see solange, even though almost nothing was done with her. Id like to see testino or jansson shoot solange for US Vogue instead.

* there are a couple other models here, representing Curvy & Short. Im not sure who they are, why did Anna Wintour eliminate the models' credits about 18 months ago? anyway the Short model is kind of cute and any new faces in US Vogue are welcome.

Editorial #5 'sparkle & shine' miles aldridge shoots handbags, edited by elissa santisi. blonde model's face is never shown. she carries baby & handbags in various suburban set-pieces- fast food, parking lot, escalator. is the model lily donaldson? Id like to know- she has nice legs & blonde hair! show her face!!! anyway aldridge takes over the ray meier accessories position this month, working with santisi, its an ok bag story but Id like to see the blonde's face & its back of the book as usual for santisi. give elissa a chance!! her work can be great - remeber the julia stegner hitchcock blonde story 2 years ago that meier shot?? rating 5 of 10. need see models face!!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR:
Anna Wintour's editor's letter is surprisingly self-congratulatory. She deems US Vogue 'the gold standard in cultural taste.' She calls 5 year old Teen Vogue, 'a gripping teen magazine without being trashy or sexually inappropriate.' That's half the fun! She promises upcoming new titles "Vogue Living," and a Vogue edition for India. While Men's Vogue had a successful 1st issue in 2005 with George Clooney, I hear the April, 2006 Tiger Woods edition is substantially weaker. Anna calls herself, "the 'custodian of the Vogue super-brand,' and asks 'what is Vogue?' I'll answer! It's a sexless granny book, stored in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since yesterday afternoon. This April Shape issue is especially bloodless, a total mixed bag, and visually weaker {excepting 5 or so strong images} than even an average US Vogue edition. Let alone in comparison with the superb UK, Paris or Italian versions.

Anna concludes, "would the founders of Vogue have ever thought that their magazine would have stories about trapeze artists, opera divas, architects & Audrey Hepburn-like chefs?" These human interest stories only weaken the fashionability & style-worthy content.

LIFE WITH ANDRE: "Diet Update": One year celebration piece on ALT's weight loss program. Wow he's 6'7" and a year ago he weighed 355! He's down to 290, but targeting 265 as next goal. As usual a long list of his famous friends make appearances this month: Oprah ["the Empress of Redemption"]. Marc Jacobs [ALT went to Moscow with him Dec. 2005]. Jerry & Jessica Seinfeld [in Aspen at XMas, ALT jogs to the airport and the Seinfeld brood wave to him from their car]. Donald & Melania Trump host ALT's Oct 2005 birthday dinner. Karl Lagerfeld [ALT models Chanel couture black patent leather jacket pg 104], Suzy Menkes [dubs ALT 'the Prince of Style"]. Fittings in London for 4 new Savile Row suits at Richard Anderson [models white seersucker suit page 98.] ALT also includes a sidebar lauding Marc Jacobs' fall/winter 2006 fashion show, comparing it to YSL's 1976 Ballet Russes collection. He also chides Marc repeatedly for his late-starting showtimes.

ALT quote: "My old habit whenever I returned home from a trip was to fall upon a bed piled with banks of pillows & stare up at the ceiling listening to Mariah Carey's 'dont forget about us' (or my favourite Bette Midler comedy cd, 'mud will be flung tonight!')." Totally agree with you, ALT, that Mariah song is awesome!

TALKING FASHION:
William Norwich covers Marjorie Gubelman & Aerin Lauder's dinner for Michael Kors in Palm Beach. As usual Kors eveokes the bygone jet-set fantasies that inspire him, "Jackie O, Barbara Allen, Capri, Gstaad," etc. Norwich also gets in some digs at the PB "Bathing & Tennis Club" for its overly-strict dress rules & especially its 'Christian' orientation: "No baseball caps can be worn inside the clubhouse, but that probably isnt the only reason cap-happy types like Steven Speilberg wouldnt feel at home here.' Im paying attention, Billy!

* Norwich includes some of the same NYC parties that were in April W: Testino's Philips opening & Yvonne Villareal's 40th birthday. W's larger pics are superior to Vogue's postage stamps, however. Currin & Feinstein still look well-lubricated in the Vogue photo. Fun Fact: did you know that Force-Villareal's 'hip hop' act "Mother Inc" has a MySpace fansite called "Stupid Old Cunts"? True!

** Billy also promos the Met's May Costume Institute benefit "Anglo Mania," Sienna Miller is co-chair, and depicting the the Union Jack invite.

VIEW:
"Top Heavy": Vicki Woods profiles English "Page 3" girl "Jordan"- real name Katie Price- best known for her enormous, augmented breast-size. Jordan has already authored 2 autobiographies & has a novel, "Angel" due in summer. Jordan is a superstar in England's tabloid and Chav culture, and the great David Bailey provides a surpringly sophisticated portrait, overseen by Hamish Bowles. Sarah Mower's amusing belt tutorial: 'totally waisted,' incl. these spring
'06 show photos: Solange and Lily D at fendi. jeisa, luca & lisa cant at lanvin. marina peres at mcqueen, with a silver 'prizefighter' belt last seen on Inter-Continental Champion Don Muraco in 1983. Snejana at YSL & Valentino. Trentini at marni & vlada at vera wang.


"Adult Content" by Mark Holgate: "The Return of Sex": Despite the general conservatism and adult, 'lady-like' styles favoured by Anna Wintour's US Vogue the last 3 years or so, Holgate predicts a stylistic shift ocurring towards a sexier, more body-conscious approach. The cover blurb reads; "Lets Talk About Sex: Fashions new intimate mood." If Wintour truly is shifting towards more sensuous images & themes, it is not a minute too soon. Holgate claims that the "lady-like'" more conservative moment as featured in Vogue is past: He quotes Wintour darlings Prouenza Schouler's tiredness with 'ruffles, lace & bohemian flourishes.' He says, "the lady-like look has become a little too safe."

Holgate invokes hotter moments from 1989 through 2002 such as cindy crawford in gaultier's bondage-like garb 'underwear as outerwear' & 'g spot, gucci's slick erotic-edged chic...Remember Tom Ford's corporate porno-chic for Gucci, which reached its zenith with the G logo shaved into model Louise Pedersen's pubic hair." It's interesting to hear Holgate predict a new, sexier mood, especially since Vogue/Wintour has been so solidly behind the grandmother look, and this April issue, except for Gisele's fanny & a couple of Julia Stegner bikinis, is seriously un-sexy in every way, from clothes to female archetypes to editorial topics.

'The Star Treatment/Stylist Test-drive": Marina Rust meets with stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe [Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton}. Interesting insight into Rachel's process. The good news: both women quickly bond over givenchy, ysl, prouenza, oscar. The bad news: Rust's husband Ian says her Zoe-curated ensemble makes her "look like a call girl. But an expensive one." Hamish Bowles appreciates her Sophia Loren-inspired look, but NY Times photographer Bill Cunningham "looks aghast." Rust's column about the Zoe experience was more fun & informative than many of her earlier efforts. And we learned that Rachel is obsessed with overcoats: she has 400!

*NY Fashion Week. April W had 6 pages of superb NY fall/winter 2006 fashion week pics/coverage, about 3 weeks afterwards. This April Vogue, a month after the shows, has only 2 pics: ALT's brief sidebar on Marc Jacobs; and in Marina Rust's Rachel Zoe piece, 1 pic from the Marchesa fall show that Zoe styled.

Losing Her Buttons/The Button Crisis": Plum Sykes writes an amusing column contrasting her husband's concern over avian flu versus her own phobia about losing buttons off her designer coats. Im not making this up! Plum bought a Balenciaga coat for $2,000 a year ago and lost 8 of the buttons by spring. Balenciaga in Paris never replaced them. Plum had further buttons pop off a Zac Posen suit for her book tour [zac replaced them] and her friend Allison also harbours a deep fear of losing her designer buttons. As frivolus as Plum's concern may seem, this piece is written with a light, self-deprecating humour. I must admit I sometimes worry about losing buttons myself, and often have my tailor re-sew loose buttons for me.

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT:
British rapper M.I.A. profiled by Sarah Mower. Nice pic by Tim Walker with retro stereo equipment and graffitti-splattered wall backdrop. Ed Enninful edited, hot red Ede & Ravenscroft waistcoat & white Richard Nicoll jeans. Enninful's work here & in Karolina Rio shoot is the liveliest in this issue.

"Movies" Gretchen 'chewy gumdrops' Mol in the upcoming "Notorious Bettie Page" biopic, directed by Mary Harron. Vogue's John Powers finds the real Page a sweet character, quote: "Page is filmed in S/M scenarios so silly it's hard to believe anyone would ever find them tittillating."

Food: Jeff Steingarten writes about new Japanese restaurant "Morimoto" on 10th betw 15th & 16th. It's a rave for the food, dining experience & presentation. Quote: 'sleek ironwood chopsticks are brought to you in a black lacquer box fabricated in Ishikawa prefecture, where they apply the final layer of lacquer with a brush made from the hair of very young girls." pg 286.

INDEX: "taking the plunge" edited by meredith melling burke. the cover promises '53 swimsuits for every size.' aside from gisele's backside pic by penn, the hottest images in this issue are 3 julia stegner bikini pics by robert fairer, at the back of the book in Index. These are backstage from the spring 2005 shows. Fairer always takes such strong backstage show pics I can never understand why Vogue doesnt give him full editorial work? julia backstage at pucci with inguna is the 2nd hottest image in the magazine. julis is so far superior a swim model to karolina its a JOKE!! julia is a zillion times prettier than kk and julia's body is a million times better. if youre a serious fashion & model fan you know that karolina is yesterday's news & julia is one of the best girls of the 21st century. meredith burke knows that she used 3 super hot julia bikini pis to illustrate her Index bikini special the pucci pic with Inguna is great, as are julia backstage at herrera [pg 402] and with solange at lacroix [pg 406].

Burke's Index is among the more dependable columns monthly in US Vogue. some of her best bikini choices incl. chloe, calvin, lacroix, and hermes. and the LV & chanel beach towels are great too.

NOSTALGIA:
Joyce Carol Oates remembers being photographed for August 1970 Vogue by Jack Robinson in the Village. Her 3rd book, "Them" had received the 1970 National Book Award. During the photoshoot, just blocks away, at 18 West 11th street, the Weathermen blew up a bomb they were making. Oates' piece effectively evokes socio-political unrest from JFK assassination through Vietnam, including a 1970 anti-war march on NYC City Hall. Suffice to say, Oates' writing is some of the best in this issue.

YESTERDAYS:
The English cast of "Beyond the Fringe" from 1962: Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Alan Bennett & Jonathan Miller, a sketch comedy play that ran on Broadway for 3 years. Bennett wrote "The History Boys" coming to Broadway in April.

* Yves St laurent in his garden in Marrakech 1980. killer rainbow-hued aerial image by Horst P. Horst. pg 312.

VERDICT: The Shape issue is my least favourite US Vogue each year and that is true once again this year. The Karolina/Pharrell Rio swim/resort edit by Mikal Jansson is the only story that resembles a typical high fashion editorial. Jansson is a welcome addition to the US Vogue staff and Edward Enninful contributed excellent editing to this story and the M.I.A. page. While Wintour has always liked Karolina, and for some she's a popular mass market, commercial bikini girl, she is far from my top choice for an all-too-rare US Vogue swimsuit story. The 3 bikini pics of Julia Stegner in the Index demonstrate why Julia is a superior model to Karolina in every respect.

Testino's Aniston pics were ok, and Van Meter's interview had some interesting passages, but I doubt that any long-time Vogue enthusiast was excited to see mass-market actress Aniston on the cover, and Testino can do so much more with the right actress & especially models. The workout conceit to Aniston's shoot didnt mean anything. Liebowitz' elaborate production with the Trumps, the trapeze artist, the jockey etc. was a big bomb; Wintour's editor's letter claims these diverse performers are notable, but the pictures fell flat for the most part & none of these subjects can hold a candle to the world-class models that usually populate the magazine. Demarchelier's shoot was especially boring this month, and while Solange is a welcome newer face in US Vogue, to date she hasnt been allowed to show her signature smouldering sex appeal in Wintour's book. Mark Holgate forecasts the return of sex in fashion & presumably in US Vogue but this issue was even more lifeless & prim than your average US Vogue. Only Penn's sublime Gisele nude was sensuous this month, and it is the only image that will endure from this 400+ page issue. I spotted just 2 images from NYC fall/winter 2006 fashion week. W came out a week before this & had 6 dynamite pages of f/w photos. With so little of note image-wise, some of the columns were better than usual this month, Marina Rust, Jeff Steingarten, Plum Sykes, ALT & Joyce Carol Oates. Holgate predicts the return of sex to fashion as portrayed in US Vogue- it will be interesting to see if Wintour delivers on this- it's definitely something US Vogue needs after 3 years of cloistered frilly granny dresses. Gisele, Julia & Jansson were excellent this month, but they wren't enough to compensate for a lot of generally uninteresting body-type stories. ONE THUMBS DOWN.