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• Celebrity "news" shows Entertainment Tonight and The Insider bend to Tom Cruise's will and ignore the story of the A-lister's urging of Viacom to pull the Scientology-bashing South Park episode "Tom's in the Closet" off of Comedy Central's rerun schedule. Cruise certainly has an impressive grip on so many balls, even for a gay man. [Lowdown (last item)]
• Page Six looks into its crystal ball and sees that Katie Couric will flee Rock Center on May 26th, the last day of her NBC contract. [Page Six]
• Governor Pataki's sons are the latest victims of their own internet vanity, thanks to incriminating evidence on Facebook and Webshots. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton reportedly splits with Stavros Niarchos because she can't understand him when he speaks Greek. Or English. [Scoop]
• Natalie Portman lost the cover of this month's Vanity Fair after Teri Hatcher confessed that she had been molested. Nevertheless, Portman's lengthy profile still appears in the issue, despite her cover snub. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Hatcher's cover story has sparked yet more discontent amongst her fellow Desperate Housewives. Women always get so jealous over sexy molestation stories. [Gatecrasher]